Ok, so basically, my life is school. I have big aspirations, that require a lot of hard work, overwhelming work hours(I don’t work currently), and I lot of effort in general. I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel happy right now. Every time I go to school, I’m socially awkward and quiet around my friends, all the boys at my school look at me weird, my relationships with the teachers aren’t great, and I’m not organized. Simple tasks are a burden, because all I can think about is how many of them there are and how many there will be. I sign up for these honors classes, only to regret it later. I’m trying to achieve extra, but it always ends up back handing me, and leaving me with yet another scar that I have to deal with. My thought process isn’t that school is 9 hours a day, and that’s it until I graduate, it’s I have to go to this hell hole for 9 hours, think about it all day, go to sleep, only to repeat everything. It just seems so overwhelming.
All of my friends think being gay is a choice, and that really affects my confidence. It makes me feel like nobody can be there for me, because they don’t understand. All of my friends treat me weirdly because of the fact that they think it’s a choice. I can’t just be their friend without them having a stick up their *** around me. Not all of them are bad though, I have two close friends, but I don’t really know their stance on this. I know it shouldn’t be important to me, but it is.
Then there is going out to places with my friends. I see these pictures of these people and their friends on Instagram, and all I can think about is, I have to get out of here, I can’t live here forever, I have to do something fast, before I’m stuck in a traditional life with a bunch of conservative people. I just can’t get that out of my head. My schools really small as well, so there isn’t anybody I can meet that I haven’t already met. I’m antisocial as well, so even if I tried, I probably couldn’t make any new friends.
I just don’t want to be committed to life. I feel like if I commit to life, I will somehow get lost in getting older, and I’ll never achieve anything, and I’ll end up dying unhappy. I just can’t get over it.
Back to the friend thing. I feel like everybody is just there. Like they’re just there because they can be. They don’t have to be my friend, but somehow they have ended up in that position. And I’m also treated like a “Queen.” Like it’s makeup and everything. I have to wear girl clothes, and wear makeup, and just slay. It literally kills me, and I just feel like I’m going nowhere. That sounds random, but it’s honestly all everything is to me. Everything I think about, it all ends with “I’m going nowhere.”
I’ve also been having issues remembering names recently, and it’s judt stressful in general. I’ll literally know somebody for over a year and a half, and just forget their name randomly. It would just be so much easier to forget everything, and just give up.
You know, life is supposed to be about being happy, but I can’t find that. Whenever I am happy, it ends very quickly, and I just end up in the same hole. Everything’s different, yet the outcomes always the same. We are alive, we die. We have a good life, we die. We have a bad life, we die. There is no point in living if there is just this big barrier that you run into at the end of everything. It’s not like we’ll remember anything, that all the pain that everybody goes through is worth anything in the end.