Yesterday, my t told me I have DID. I'd been suspecting it for awhile, but kept thinking that I'm too high-functioning to have it. I have always worked a full-time job. Also, I exercise strict control over other parts of me. I do everything I can to hide those parts that could cause me embarrassment, shame, or make other people think I'm odd. Usually, the worst thing people notice about me is that I am very forgetful and don't notice things around me visually. At times, friends and even acquaintances have been offended when they said they saw me and I didn't speak to them. They assumed I was being snobbish when I actually didn't even realize they were there.

But besides being forgetful and kind of spacy, I doubt most people would suspect that there's something really wrong with me mentally. Part of that, though, is that I am good at keeping things superficial and not getting too close to people. I usually do not talk about my deeper thoughts or troubling feelings. There have only been maybe 6 people (that I know of) who definitely saw me when I switched. But those people seemed very surprised, worried, or disbelieving because I seemed so unlike myself. In one particular case, where I really opened up about my problems over a long period of time to a close friend, things ended very badly.

So anyway, I thought maybe I had DDNOS, but probably not DID, also because I don't show the extreme manifestations of it, like suddenly "coming to" and not knowing where I am or how I got there. My t and I both have known for a long time that I have dissociation problems though. My official diagnosis is C-PTSD. But I've been afraid deep down that maybe I do have DID. I asked my t about it several months ago, and she said she thought it was "a fair diagnosis." She didn't actually come out and say I had it, though, and I was afraid to ask anymore about it.

Recently, my t and I started going through the workbook "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation." We are only in chapter 2, but it has already discussed that dissociation exists on a continuum from normal daydreaming all the way to DID. It mentioned the difference between DDNOS and DID also. Since we were going to review the chapter, I decided I was going to come right out and ask her what my diagnosis is and if I have DDNOS or DID... or just the kind of dissociation common to C-PTSD. She told me I do have C-PTSD, but I have DID too.

She said she has not written down DID officially as a diagnosis when she bills my insurance company because she is not sure they would pay it. She has only my C-PTSD down. She said she can add DID, though, if I want her to. I said No, I don't want her to. If, down the road, my insurance doesn't want to pay for therapy anymore because they say I have been in therapy too many years already, then I would be willing to have her share my DID diagnosis if that would justify the need for me to continue therapy.

Although it didn't come as a surprise to me that I have DID, I feel kind of uneasy now that it has been verified. One part of me keeps thinking there's no way it could be true. I'm too high-functioning. To another part of me, it makes sense and explains why I've struggled with so many issues and have been in therapy so long, despite how hard I try to get well!

Before knowing about the DID, I felt a lot of shame over why I can't do more, get well faster, be stronger. I've felt that there is no excuse why I can't act and feel like a normal responsible adult all the time! I get disgusted with myself for being forgetful and spacy. When I do something dumb as a result, especially in front of people, I've felt embarrassed. I'm talking about stuff like trying to get into the wrong car, not remembering faces of people that I should recognize, or (gasp) the rare occasion when I get triggered and break down sobbing so hard I can't breathe, and can't seem to quit. I've only done that two or three times in front of people other than my t and my husband. But again, when I did, I saw their reactions. On one occasion like that, the person who was with me seemed to totally avoid me after that.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry! I don't even know what I'm trying to say, or what I need from you guys. In some ways, I'm doubtful. In some ways, I'm relieved. And in other ways, I feel really scared!

Do you think my t should add DID to my official diagnosis for my insurance company? Or do you think it would be disputed or require a bunch of extra evaluation, etc. for them to approve continued sessions? Do those of you with a DID diagnosis have it officially written down in their records for insurance purposes or not?

I'm surprised I am feeling this scared about having the diagnosis, seeing as I have suspected it for awhile.

There's no way I'd ever tell my parents or sister about it. They are all completely disregarding of my problems with mental illness. They avoid mentioning it at all or acknowledging that anything is wrong with me. They never mention the word therapy or ask me anything about sessions. I've mentioned here and there things about my depression or anxiety, or something I learned in therapy, but it is followed by dead silence.

A couple of times, when I tried to talk to my mom about my issues, she said nothing happened to me as a kid that would have caused any mental health problems. She said, "It is just your hormones. One day, you will wake up, and it will be gone." She also told me "I think my childhood was a lot more unusual than yours." Also, nobody in my family ever mentioned anything when I was hospitalized on a 72-hour hold back in 2002 for feeling suicidal. My husband told them about it, but they never mentioned a word to me about it, didn't ask why I felt so bad, what they could do to help, etc. Just...nothing. Like it didn't happen. That's kind of how my family acted when I was a kid and bad things happened. The next day, everybody would pretend nothing happened. It really messed with my head.

I apologize this is so long. Thank you for anybody who actually made it to the end of my message.

I don't know what to think. T says I have DID. FOO doesn't believe anything is wrong. Different parts of me feel different ways. My husband knows I have a dissociative disorder and has seen different parts of me. He doesn't know enough about the various diagnoses to know whether I have DDNOS or DID. He just knows it is a real problem for me. He says it doesn't make him love me less. He says he is more worried about me not accepting it.

Can somebody here reassure me or give advice or something? A part of me is really feeling scared.