Hi HPOne, this is terribly terribly abusive. My marriage was very similar and very painful. You are kind and empathic and that's why you stay. How old are your children? Please read about NPD, BPD and emotional manipulation disorders. It may help you gain some very useful insights about why your wife is the way she is, and how you can reduce the harm she can inflict to you and your kids.

I don't like to give advice on life decisions, but my first impulse is to tell you to leave, to run far far away. But you have children, and when the mother is the emotional abuser you are in a bind. I sometimes wonder if I had known earlier on that my husband had NPD, perhaps the understanding would have cleared up a lot of confusion, helped me to distance, and perhaps have saved the marriage until my children were grown. Perhaps this is possible for you. The good thing about these disorders is that they're highly predictable and consistent even in their inconsistency. Knowledge of them can be like an operating manual for handling them. Please get a good therapist with strong understanding of personality disorders.

I really feel for you. I really wish you and your family the very best.