So, I think I may have found a way to inner peace last night over this. I have previously listed out all the negatives about him in my journal -- all the things that make it impossible for this to work and which indicate a toxic relationship.

But so far that hasn't helped me to get past it.

So last night, I wrote out more about all that I dealt with -- my description of his negative and toxic behaviors and problems is long.

I think I have been clinging to the fact that he showered me every day with his love, with attention and devotion. And I think I have been missing that piece of our relationship dearly, despite my list of negatives.

So, beyond wanting revenge, beyond being hurt over his rejection, and beyond wanting to confront him, the bottom line is I've been missing his love and all the attention and affection he showered on me. I didn't want to admit this to myself, all this time. I wanted to block out my feelings.

But along with the showering of attention and love, I dealt with many toxic behaviors and traits. And I asked myself, IF he did come back to me and want me back, would I really want to be involved with him again? And go through all of that again?

All this time I've hoped he would contact me, wanting me back just so I can reject him.

I realize now it's because my deep love for him persisted. But I was in love with who he was from a distance -- and not who he is in real life, in person. The in real life person is a nightmare. From a distance though, he was nearly perfect. He said all the right things, he gave me everything I needed and wanted. He supported me emotionally and showered me endlessly with his love. But it was only just that. Words and affection, which isn't enough. It's all a part of the deception and manipulation that he does, pretending to be someone he really isn't. Getting women to fall for him by being everything they may want -- from a distance.

Last night the reality stared me in the face. I could never go back to him.

I am hoping now that I realize this, that I can finally let go of wanting him to contact me. It may still take some time, and I may feel twinges of that desire, but I think if I keep re-reading my description of him, of this person and who he actually is in reality, that I may be able to find greater peace... I am hoping.