Hi John,

Given that you and your wife are fighting more frequently, you are not very intimate and haven't been for a long time, and you are having uncontrollable thoughts about another woman, I would say that your marriage is in trouble and needs help or else you may need to separate. Her saying that she will be a single mom one day is an indication that she has thought you may need to part ways.

This will continue, these thoughts will continue as long as you are working closely with this other woman, and you're right, it's not fair to your marriage or your wife. I would say while you are not acting on your feelings, you have developed feelings for another so there's a good reason why you feel guilty. This seems to be more than just a crush since you are imagining and wondering if she could have been the one.

You also say that you don't recall ever feeling this way about your wife in the beginning, despite being all over each other and passionate physically. Physical attraction and emotional attraction are very different.

You also talk about not being sure if you are in love with your wife anymore. It is possible that given her negativity and pessimism, the lack of intimacy and that you never thought this way about her to begin with, that you have fallen out of love.

That being said, others or someone has suggested couples therapy, and I agree.

If you want to work on salvaging your marriage, couples counseling may help resolve the lack of intimacy, the fighting, her need for emotional love and your own needs within the relationship. There are many issues here to resolve, so it seems you need an objective third party to help. You say you cannot give emotional intimacy without the sex. But there's so much fighting going on, that it's probably harder to be intimate. Maybe you can't work it out and this other woman is a symptom of this marriage not working anymore. Or maybe you can work through the issues.

But the bottom line is: these issues all need to be addressed and resolved in order for both of you to be happy longer term. Otherwise, I'm afraid your marriage will continue to go down the toilet, and that definitely will not be healthy for your child to witness.