What you wanted to re-experience is how his "love bombing" made you feel. This is something a lot of women get trapped with where they literally live for when the man is love bombing them and making them "feel" special.

Not long ago I read an article about how alcoholics can have traits that are very similar to a narcissist. (of course a person can have both issues too). What they do is keep you trapped in THEIR unhealthy loop where they can be good and caring and it's so nice and then they go off the rails and it's upsetting and toxic. When I finally found the therapist that helped me the most, he explained to me how I had been trapped in my husband's cycle where we would fight because he was out drinking etc, and then he would apologize profusely declare his love for me and promise to be good and that is called the honeymoon period and that could last for a couple of weeks to even a month or two until he would go out on a binge and I would be worried because he often did not come home and at that time there were no cell phones so I would no idea WHERE he was. Because I loved him FIRST I had to at least know he was ok, THEN I could feel angry and disgusted.

Maybe you lived with him for a while HOPING he would straighten out and be that Mr. Wonderful without the problem. Well, I can understand that, but I also remember how disgusting that disease can be too. I woke up one night to my husband literally kneeling in the bed peeing right into the bed next to me. One night I woke up to him getting up and walking over to his closet and peeing right into his closet. Gross. Thank God it wasn't "my" closet. If they don't stop, they end up getting worse and dying of the disease and you are right, it could literally wipe you out financially and you would be married to the debt he would put you in too. That's way too much a price to pay for a person who sometimes can woo you really well. And even when the "stop" drinking they can STILL put you through those cycles. It can make a girl/woman crazy.

When I was struggling with PTSD and trying to find a therapist I thought I found one and began seeing him. At one point I stood in front of him angry as hell and asked him, WHY DO I SEEM TO ATTRACT THESE PEOPLE, I remember saying that I know I am somewhat attractive but I am not Merlyn Monroe. Then one day this therapist SHOCKED ME when he said, "I know your type you are kind and caring and warm hearted which is just the type Narcissists are attracted to because THEY KNOW how to push your buttons. And then he said how he was a recovering heroin addict, was a habitual liar and had been diagnosed with NPD before he got better and became a therapist. He said he would have been able to wrap me right around his little finger while stealing from me.

Well, golden_eye, needless to say that session frightened the HELL OUT OF ME, not recommended for someone already struggling with PTSD. I got my answer but NEVER imagined getting the answer THAT WAY. I did find out this guy was going through a divorce, was broke and did not have a car and was living in his office. He SEEMED like a nice therapist who GENUINELY wanted to help me.

My husband wants me to go to his AA meetings with him but in all honestly I just can't sit in a room full of these kind of individuals, it's just WAY too triggering for me. So he goes and I stay home alone. I like to have the peace and quiet, but I do get lonely. I finally realized what I was missing after spending a while with a therapist that really did help me a great deal. I realized how NICE it is to actually sit and talk with someone who can be engaging and can listen and carry on a deep conversation. The conversations were not about "love or him being in love with me" either, they covered a lot of ground and the hour session went by so fast I always left feeling like I needed more time.

When I get severely triggered, I NEVER hear my husbands voice when I need to feel calm and bring myself out, it's always his calming caring voice that I am so fortunate to have even though he is retired and I don't get to have those conversations anymore. It's nice to be able to be a "caring and nice person" and feel SAFE to be that way and also feel safe to share my hurts and vulnerabilities too.

Maybe you need to find someone who is capable to having a HEALTHY relationship but is widowed or something or is a nice person who finally broke away from an unhealthy selfish spouse. There are a lot of frogs out there but maybe you can find a prince if you keep looking.