I’m frozen solid just sitting here staring st the television - I got surgery on my arm in two days and I feel like I’m about to die. So alone in my hour of darkness - all I can think about is how much I don’t want to do surgery and I just want to be left alone. The irony is I’ve always been alone and I hate life for this - bitter yes. Spent the last few days reading about my procedure and I don’t like the pain and recovery period I might experience. Jesus I hate my long stupid road and now a relatively minor surgery has me wanting to leave - I’ve needed somebody for so long - this feels like total abandonment. The only thing that kept me going was my indepedence - the freedom to butter toast and not be in additional pain. But now dear friends life piles more manure on the steaming pile. I’m at last feeling the worst of the human predicament and quite frankly I’m exhausted. Strength I need and a shoulder to cry upon - will I ever be beautiful again because this mirror is dark and I have disappeared. I just needed to write - thank you