I’m slightly depressed today which is coming out in irritability toward my son and the world in general. I think I’m feeling some type of way about my brother having his baby. I am of course overjoyed for them and to have a niece, but at the same time I am sad and jealous. Jealous that my SIL has my brother to help her with the baby. I’ve been a single mom since May of 2015 and it’s so ****ing hard, especially with my illness. I’m jealous they both have good jobs and a house. They have everything I wanted but was never able to achieve bc of my illness and my husband’s addiction.

I also know that I will not see them as much anymore. It’s hard with a new baby and my SIL refuses to bring the baby to my mom’s house (where I live) because it’s too messy, even if I clean it. Which is infuriating to me because it’s so insulting. I understand not allowing the baby to go into my mom’s area, but I can clean the downstairs really well and it’s not good enough for her. I’m afraid she’s going to be so controlling that I’ll never see the baby. She’s already said she won’t give her soda or fast food, sugar, etcetera. I feel like she’s judging me for my parenting even though I know that’s all in my head. I just feel like an inadequate mother next to her and she’s only been a mother for three days.

Sigh. I really hope it’s just a situational thing and I’ll go back to normal tomorrow. I won’t fare well through another severe depressive episode.