okay, last week i worked up the nerve to call the counselling center and get on their waiting list

today i called the doctor and i will see him tomorrow night. it will be my first time telling someone how i feel face to face. i'm really scared. really, really scared. i tell myself, so what if he thinks i'm crazy... i feel ****in' crazy ... but in my heart i'm frightened of his rejection. what if he suggests anti-depressants? first, i'm not sure i can afford them, but even more worrying is that a dear friend went on anti-depressants and within 10 days he was dead. he hung himself.

this is not a doctor i know, this will be my first time seeing him. ugh. akkk. akkk akkk akkk.

i'm not going to wimp out of seeing him, since i really really want to beat this depression and i'm prepared to take all the help i can get. but i'm scared. just scared.

c.