t, i think it's like this when i am there and about to tell you something and i say "don't laugh at me" or "don't be mad at me" that's from Ego right, my need to control how you react, or h, or son, or whoever... and and and at work that one gal that sits behind me that is so loud i get angry inside myself at her and sigh really loudly (passive-aggressive much Art?) and that's coming from Ego too, like it's all about me and nothing about her, and as I've been contemplating all of this the past several days I've noticed a difference in my reactions, like since i'm focusing on how i react, it's like i've been instead moving myself to react from my compassionate self instead, and and and suddenly all her boisterous talking and too-loud laughter started to sound like they are coming from a very lonely person, who doesn't have anyone to go home and talk to, who doesn't have a "you", and so she has to talk to everyone at work and be boisterous in an attempt to feel better about her situation and do you know what t, i haven't worn my noise-canceling headphones at work in at least 3 days. She's just not bothering me anymore.

i don't think this would have happened if i hadn't come on 1/4 and given you the opportunity to demonstrate, when you let what i wanted matter, and didn't ask about scheduling, and how that one little act was actually so big that the next night when i was thinking about it and realizing it i felt something deep inside me mending. physically felt it.

i am on my knees and humbled at the realization of how very far I am from the person that I want to be. i love you and i really wish you were reading this.