Well, it's me again, with my same old story. I'm depressed and barely meeting the needs of my s.o. whom I care for. He just got out of the hospital a few days ago. That got me upbeat for a while. I took down all the xmas stuff and packed it all neatly away. When I can get going on a project, I tend to do a good job and feel very satisfied. But, yesterday and today, I just fed him and tended to him and left the apartment messy.

I wake up every morning very lethargic. I stay lethargic and uninterested in anything all day. Then I feel much better every evening. I am trying to see a pdoc to ask for a stimulant to take in the a.m. I do breakfast and go back to sleep. I do lunch and go back to sleep. My boyfriend also doses all morning and afternoon. He sits in a comfortable chair in front of the TV and sleeps most of the day. It's contagious. Only in the evening, like me, he becomes alert and interested in what's on TV. I try to stimulate him, but most of the day he just won't wake up. He'll nod off while I'm talking to him. It can feel very lonely. He's pretty much homebound. I won't take him out to eat during flu season. He doesn't even enjoy it. He wants to just to sit in front of the TV and sleep. At least he get's out of bed more than I do.

He doesn't realize that constant caregiving is depressing. Even when he was healthy, he never understood depression. He never was one to get depressed. He told me that being depressed was something I did to myself. He has no idea that I am constantly struggling with depression now. Even when I tell him, he has no idea what I'm talking about. He forgets about it two seconds later.

People keep telling me that "You can't take care of someone else, unless you take care of yourself first." That sounds so sensible, except for one thing: It's not true. On my worst day, I take care of him better than the hospital or nursing home did. No matter how crappy I feel, his essential needs always get met. No matter how much I am neglecting myself, he is taken care of. I can get respite, whereby the VA will pay for him to be in a nursing home for up to a month. If I had a month's vacation, I could do some good things for myself. However, he would go downhill. Been there and did that. He came out with an infection, a pressure sore and weakened legs and weight loss.

If I wasn't so depressed, I could take care of me and him. People do it all the time. Every evening after dark, I feel pretty good. But, all morning and afternoon, I feel almost paralyzed with sleepiness. I don't know if a stimulant will help. I woukd try anything. I'm afraid the pdoc will just say, "You have to take care of you, so you can take care of him." Not true. I am taking care of him. I'm not taking care of me. I'm depressed, but it doesn't cause me to neglect him in any important way. You can drain yourself taking care of someone else. People act like there is no either/or choice to make. There is. It can come down to an unpleasant reality: that to make my life better, I'ld have to be okay with seeing his life be worse. No one will believe me on that.