Maybe you just want to feel loved?

You know, I could have written your post... pretty much every word of it. And my understanding might be wrong, because I'm still dealing with the same issue myself... but this is the answer that I've found *so far* for me.

I used to have this feeling like I had a HUGE gaping hole right in the middle of my stomach. Just this big, empty space. It was a hunger that I completely believed could and would never be filled. I drew many pictures of it and I told my T all the time that I had a big hole in me, that I was empty. To make a very long story short, there are parts of myself that need to be reclaimed from the hell of my childhood. One particular part of me, symbolized by a little girl I used to see crying and stuck in my childhood home, fit perfectly into that spot. In time, through the course of my therapy, I healed that particular wound. I had a subjective sense that the "little girl" I had seen no longer existed in the same sense, because she was woven back into me. She fit back into her home, in the center of me. And together, we were more whole. I no longer felt like I had a hole in my middle.

There's another bit of me that needs to be healed and reclaimed. So I still feel like I'm missing something, and in therapy I experience this as wanting something from T. In part, it IS wanting something from T... because T's knowledge, and love, and support, and guidance is what facilitated my earlier healing. So of course I still need T to help me heal this latest part, too. But really, I think what will make that hole fill up, will be a part of me. Really, what I need is myself. T acts as sort of a bridge between "me" and the "part" of me that I haven't quite re-absorbed yet; that remains separate due to the way I split myself off to cope with my traumas.

So, I think once I've healed that bit... I won't continue to experience the "need" that I have for T, or the feeling that I want something from her. I'll have everything I need, right here inside me.

Of course, I'll also have parts of T woven into me as well. Everyone we meet and love becomes a part of us, and makes us a stronger, more beautiful, whole.

I hope this helped, and made sense. I think it's hard to wrap your mind around until you've actually experienced it at least once.