I'm not sure where to post this--it deals with abuse in my past, I guess, but self-esteem and confidence. I'm at a loss what to do with myself.

When I was a kid growing up as a child and teen, I was not accepted by my peers and never fit in. I was bullied, teased, treated poorly by peers, you name it and I'm not going to go into what I went through in my family life. Fast forward to adulthood and here I am with a type A personality, perfectionist, and over-acheiver. It doesn't take a degree in psychology to figure that one out. Because of my hard work and successes over the years, I'm asked to do consulting work and to give presentations at conferences. Next week I'm speaking at the state convention for my profession. On the outside, I speak well in public. On the inside I'm nervous as hell.

What I would like to be able to do is simply PLAN and PREPARE for my public appearances. But before I get to the planning stage, I have to wade through soooo much emotional garbage. I'm not good enough. . .they're going to laugh. . .who the hell do I think I am?. . .they're just being nice but inside they hate me. . .the whole gamut. Last week I was just spinning my wheels at my computer trying to prepare but these thoughts just swirl around. So I cried at my therapist's office and then I cried when I got home and talked with my wife. I have to jump through these emotional hurdles to get to the practical planning stages.

I hate crying in front of my wife because I look like such a weakling, such a %#@&#!, like a fragile eggshell cracking all over the place. She knows only a fraction of what I went through as a child and wishes I would be a little less ambitious with my career to spend more time at home. I said, you don't know what it's like to have the whole school hate you! She replied with, that was over 20 years ago--don't the hundreds and hundreds of successess you've acheived since then cancel that crap out? Why do you (me) believe the negative stuff from a bunch of stupid kids from years ago and not the positive stuff from professional adults?

She makes such a good point! Logically, intellectually, I have to agree with her. But emotionally, on the inside, I'm just a wreck before these conferences. I'm at a loss. Do I just accept that this is the way it'll always be--I can't change my past. Or will I ever get to the point where I don't have to go through so much negative self-defeating crap? It's exhausting. . .