Dealing with my past is exhausting too.....maybe if you could verbalize everything you went through, you said your wife only knows a little, what's the harm in opening up more to her? Would you want her to be able to open to you with things she needed you for? I don't find vulnerability unmasculine at all, and she's your wife right, you're beyond the initial impress her stages..if not your wife then your T? You wrote a little about it, but verbalizing to me is big too...did it feel better to write about it? Crying is something we all do. Oh yeah, when you're up in front of people, imagine them in their pajamas, that they are just as human as you are..remember because you were asked to speak refers to knowledge not that you have powers over people that it is just a fact you could provide a speech that would help people. Maybe you're preparing too much? Or taking the preparation too seriously? Or prepare in a different way, imagine those people who bullied you and imagine you going back in time and telling them they were insecure to do such a thing, forgiving and making friends. What about making a list of your good qualities so the negative self defeating crap becomes just a little smaller?