Kiya, that's dissociation. You are protecting yourself from that pain by distancing yourself from it, in your mind making it separate from yourself. I've been learning that when we dissociate, we are afraid of something. You are reaching out for help and understanding, while the pain is still hard for you to face. I think you will need someone with you to help you face the pain. Preferably a therapist. You don't have to face it all at once, but little by little when you see it and understand it you will be able to process it and move beyond the pain without it lingering over you like this.