Perna, I understand some of what your saying...not all...I know my head is leading me now....you know as T opened the door today she said "you leaving?" I stopped and said "what?" she said you were half way down the path...I turned and goes, was I? I didnt realise. its only now I:m home I know what starting this %#@&#! %#@&#! off...I was trying to see into her living room and saw a peanut and snacks dish out on her table and I remember thinking that she proberlby had friends round at some point and the pain and the disappointment, yes disappointment and jealousy that this has raised in myself! I could never tell her this! %#@&#! bollocks...was I leaving? I was trying to appear aloof I should imagine to hide from her my true feelings that I want her all to myself!!!!!!! I am so tired of this pain, why?, why?, why? what do I do this! why do I want this? I want it to go away....!!!!!!