You have tattoos? SI? They're pain.

We have to check the living rooms for peanuts, the reality, before we can learn to populate our own living room with friends. You can only have what you can imagine, can only imagine what you can think about, put into words because all one's understanding is in words. Try to picture something without words. One can't do it because we're identifying and defining things we "see" in our mind's eye; even the call up of what to see is in words of some sort.

But think about yourself a year ago. Would you have tried to see in T's living room then? No, because it would never have occurred to you; you didn't have any concept of what you were "missing" back then, were nearly 100% self-involved.

It is wonderful that you noted you have the friend at work but don't have to be attached to her (or have her attached to you). That goes along with trying to look into T's living room; you and T are "separate" now. That's painful/"disappointing" but it's also marvelous like you know your non hostage taking self you've become is.