I think that I'll write him and I'm taking responsability for my actions. I dont care he left me in pain and I'm suicidal again because of him. I feel like things happened because of me and not him. In reality all of this is not my fault and I need to keep this in mind!
But I dont want to hate him, I feel like our relationship is not ended or maybe I dont' want it to end and I keep making excuses. This morning I fantasised about returning to him as a client! I dont know how to stop this, I think maybe if I hear something from him even a text, I will feel better.