Have serious health issues due to previous SH.
Told T today I can't believe I've brought things to this. Why?
What the hell was I thinking. Why have I done this to myself.
T said I think you need to push things to find their limit because your mother didn't contain you, show you healthy limits. You're looking for containment. To be held within safe limits. Something your mother Never did with you.
I said this has also made me feel like I'm no longer invincible.
What was I doing?!
Even as a child I lived on the edge. Played on railway tracks.. Mucked about on the edge of canals.
As T spoke about the desire to find limits, and how my mother want able to do this just used "don't do this" as a blunt weapon, the truth of it spun my head. Shocked me a bit at the realisation of the truth of it all.
I said after, I wish my mother was alive and sitting here now so I could talk it out with her. But, she just wouldn't get any of it. Would deny her inabiltiys.
T said what you needed her to say to you is. "I saw your vulnerability.
Just T Saying that felt AS IF. MY Mother had acknowledged IT finally instead of the" you're to independent and don't love me " like she constantly threw at me.