I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. I can pretty much promise you that you aren't nearly as bad as you think you are. Depression lies to us that way. It tells us that we are worthless and bad and makes us hate ourselves. I'm glad you talked to your doctor and are going to try meds. I bet those will help. If you can get to the therapist that will help too. And keep writing here. A lot of us have been there and can understand.