Mom died in 2003 from the Hepatitis C and her addiction which caused it. In a way, it was a relief if not expected but still deeply missed because she was so much more than her addiction. But I was 23 when she died and living with her. Now I am 38 and I feel like there were many life lessons she didn't get a chance to teach me. She was not on the street and using the whole of my life; I had about 12 short but important years of sobriety with her and in that time she picked herself up and got a job at a state's attorney's office.

I feel stuck and I can't move on. I have my own depression and mental health issues. I'm disabled so I'm trying to find things to fill my day. Things that are more productive and helpful but my own depression seems to keep me from caring about too much of anything anymore. My life and choices and depression are my own thing, and thinking of what I'm missing out on in life because of my own fears and baggage is more than daunting. It's why I've been single for so long. I miss her all the time. I had a hug with my mom the night she died. I live in the memory of that hug because when it happened the first time, I had a feeling I wasn't going to see her alive again so it was a longer and harder than typical hug. The line between depression about my own life and the grief pains of missing my mother have become so blurred and thin. My soul just aches.

I don't pray for a husband and a future, I pray to 'go home' to my mom. Gosh it sounds pathetic, but that's my grief. Thanks for letting me vent.