Through Medicaid we do have 30 hours per week of a home attendant being here. So I go shopping. etc. when she is here. That sounds like a lot of help. For some people, it's plenty. It doesn't allow me to go home to my own apartment for a meaningful span of time. A lot of the time, I just sleep while the attendant is here. Lately he's been real sick with one thing after another. (Intestinal bleeding . . . then pneumonia.) An attendant can't cope with those conditions. They'll heat things up in the microwave, but they won't really cook. So I have to prepare food that's easy to reheat. I don't get much of a break from having the attendant here. The main help is that she does his laundry.

I don't know that I have any great heart. Being with him spares me from being all alone. I have no one but him. But he requires constant around the clock attention. It's a lot for one caregiver, even with some attendant hours. When it started getting this intense, I thought he didn't have long to live. But I've been doing this for 3 to 5 years. He stopped being able to cook 6 years ago. Now I tell myself he might be around needing lots of care for a few more years. I don't think I can keep this up for that long. But I don't want him to be left to a less careful level of care. He's been in hospitals, rehabs and nursing homes. He doesn't do too well in facilities. There's no easy answer.

If a stimulant in the morning helped even a little, it would be something.