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Originally Posted by Rose76
Well, it's me again, with my same old story. I'm depressed and barely meeting the needs of my s.o. whom I care for. He just got out of the hospital a few days ago. That got me upbeat for a while. I took down all the xmas stuff and packed it all neatly away. When I can get going on a project, I tend to do a good job and feel very satisfied. But, yesterday and today, I just fed him and tended to him and left the apartment messy.
I wake up every morning very lethargic. I stay lethargic and uninterested in anything all day. Then I feel much better every evening. I am trying to see a pdoc to ask for a stimulant to take in the a.m. I do breakfast and go back to sleep. I do lunch and go back to sleep. My boyfriend also doses all morning and afternoon. He sits in a comfortable chair in front of the TV and sleeps most of the day. It's contagious. Only in the evening, like me, he becomes alert and interested in what's on TV. I try to stimulate him, but most of the day he just won't wake up. He'll nod off while I'm talking to him. It can feel very lonely. He's pretty much homebound. I won't take him out to eat during flu season. He doesn't even enjoy it. He wants to just to sit in front of the TV and sleep. At least he get's out of bed more than I do.
He doesn't realize that constant caregiving is depressing. Even when he was healthy, he never understood depression. He never was one to get depressed. He told me that being depressed was something I did to myself. He has no idea that I am constantly struggling with depression now. Even when I tell him, he has no idea what I'm talking about. He forgets about it two seconds later.
People keep telling me that "You can't take care of someone else, unless you take care of yourself first." That sounds so sensible, except for one thing: It's not true. On my worst day, I take care of him better than the hospital or nursing home did. No matter how crappy I feel, his essential needs always get met. No matter how much I am neglecting myself, he is taken care of. I can get respite, whereby the VA will pay for him to be in a nursing home for up to a month. If I had a month's vacation, I could do some good things for myself. However, he would go downhill. Been there and did that. He came out with an infection, a pressure sore and weakened legs and weight loss.
If I wasn't so depressed, I could take care of me and him. People do it all the time. Every evening after dark, I feel pretty good. But, all morning and afternoon, I feel almost paralyzed with sleepiness. I don't know if a stimulant will help. I woukd try anything. I'm afraid the pdoc will just say, "You have to take care of you, so you can take care of him." Not true. I am taking care of him. I'm not taking care of me. I'm depressed, but it doesn't cause me to neglect him in any important way. You can drain yourself taking care of someone else. People act like there is no either/or choice to make. There is. It can come down to an unpleasant reality: that to make my life better, I'ld have to be okay with seeing his life be worse. No one will believe me on that.
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I totally understand what you're feeling. I mean, I'm not a caregiver, but I do understand. I especially understand about people saying that if you can't care for yourself, how can you care for another? I take excellent care of my two dogs, but I don't take great care of myself.
I also have trouble with the mornings. I have been overcoming it little by little. It's not a motivation thing for me, it's an anxiety thing that manifests as depression. Little by little as I work on facing my anxiety and learning to cope, the dread of facing the new day wears off.
I was in the same place. Get up, walk dogs, eat some breakfast, sleep, get up, walk dogs, eat lunch, sleep, get up, walk dogs, eat dinner, sleep. For four or five months this summer/fall. Eventually I just couldn't allow myself to go on like that. It was tough to pull myself out of the rut. But I got some books at the library and slowly started reading and figuring out how to work myself out of the rut. I am still at a place where I need a 90 minute nap every day, but that's better than I was before.
I got a coffee maker, and that did help a bit with the mornings and lifting me up a bit. I don't drink that much caffeine though, just maybe two cups in the morning.
I also try and force myself to stay up and just do anything but sleep, so that my sleep at night is better. So I practice my guitar or I force myself to draw or paint. It makes me feel better. And I am forcing myself, but once I get started I forget that I was forced and start to enjoy it. I found my library gives free group guitar lessons and other courses, like HTML coding. So I just started going to those to give myself something to do. Just being around people helps a bit.
I would see if there are any free events you can take part in during the day. And even if you don't want to go, go. I think the thing with depression, in my experience, is that it feeds itself. You have to find a way to break the cycle or it just keeps feeding itself. You get more and more down. It's also sort of self-fulfilling. I don't mean that in an accusatory way, I just mean that, we feel depressed, so we let ourselves continue to be depressed because it takes too much energy to pinch the hose of depression so the flow stops, you know? So if you can just find enough energy to do something to pause it for a little while, that will get you closer to some recovery.
Of course, I don't know all of your situation and your feelings. But I do feel like I understand what you are going through, and it's not easy. It was very hard for me to make any changes, and in the end, it really was a decision that enough was enough and I just said "**** my depression" and even though it's still there, because I won't let it take over, it's somewhat manageable. I'm not at all saying this is easy. My depression is chemical, not situational, and I am not on meds, so I know what I'm saying sounds impossible. But I'm serious that just trying something will help, anything. Even if it's going to a lecture at the library for an hour. Every little bit helps you feel like you're doing something.
So, this is just from my perspective what has helped me. I really feel for you because I know how difficult it is. Some days I still can't even get out of bed, so I'm not anywhere near perfect or "cured."
I hope this might help you a little. Know that I know what you're feeling and I understand how difficult it is, that it is REAL, and that it's not your fault.
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