(((Rose)))

I commend you for having such a high moral standard that, even when the relationship was poor, you still stick around to give this man dignity in his illness. It's almost like he is not a partner anymore; more like he is an ill, elderly relative that you are caring for, with no emotional connection other than what has happened in the past. I wonder if it would do yourself any good to turn off, as much as you can, your emotional connection to him, in a way to protect yourself. I'm not suggesting you stop caring for him, but if you can change the narrative in your head, it may help.

I refuse to believe that we are stuck in our circumstances. You do have the option of walking away, of calling his family and saying "I'm done. You need to take over." And yet you do not, because you have such a high moral code that you would martyr yourself for this man. Please take no offense to these words; I'm simply in true amazement at your commitment to this duty that you take so seriously. I do not know that if I could do what you do, if I were in your shoes.

You hit on a lot of things, that he cannot understand your depression. Due to his failing cognitive abilities, he does not have the capacity to understand or give you any compassion. You must find this elsewhere. Is there no local caregivers support group that you can attend? Or perhaps a chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness, they hold peer-to-peer support groups) or Bipolar-Depression Alliance (also holds peer-to-peer support groups).

I know the situation seems overwhelming and that there is no end in sight or no overcoming it or any progress to be made, but I at least think you would feel better if you had a support group to check into, just once a week. People you could see in person who would understand what you are going through. Going to NAMI has been one of the greatest resources for me. I've met people who know exactly what I go through and exactly what the effects of my disorder do to me.

I laugh that you are looking at a coffee maker. I asked my mother for a coffee maker for Christmas and she sent me a very fancy one that has a timer on it and everything. It actually has made quite a big difference for me. Although I find I am sensitive to coffee, and if I drink it after noon, I have difficulty falling asleep at midnight. But without my two cups in the morning, I can't make it through the day. It's so crazy how fine the line is for me.

I don't think it's pathetic at all that you bought stimulants. You are doing what you need to try and make it through the day. I don't judge that at all. Back when I was working a full-time job, I started every day off with a 5-hour energy. I hated the taste but it got me through the work day (often 10-12 hours long or longer) and then some. I am happy to be off that schedule now and can manage my energy level differently.

Do you do anything for physical activity? I'm just wondering if maybe like a weekly yoga class or something would help you just meet some people and be around them for an hour a week. I think you really just need to be around other people. I find this often helps me quite a bit. I can be super depressed and unable to function, but then have a call with a client or have a client meeting, and afterwards I feel so energized just from having human contact.

There's got to be some small thing you can do for yourself to help you get through each day/week.