Thurs 1/11 - I worked in the office today. Wife had dropped me off and was going to pick me up from your office so I only needed to figure out how to get from my office to yours. I ran into old boss in the hallway while at work. I updated her a little on my weekend spontaneous surgery adventure. She asked me if there was anything she could do. I said, well what I really needed was a way from work to doctor’s appointment at the end of the day. She asked me when. I told her that I needed to be there by 5pm, so leave 4:15 – 4:30. She said that she was in a retreat until 5 but it seemed to be moving along quickly and she felt she could give me a ride. She said to ping her when closer to time. I did and she was about to still give me a ride.

When she was ready, she headed to my cube. I put my laptop in my bag and we headed out. She offered to get the car and move it closer to the door. I said that wasn’t needed, that I could walk, just not quickly. We slowed down. She apologized and said that she’d started personal training and was making progress around an injury finally. She slowed down and we worked our way to her car. Once we were more outside, we started talking about my new manager. I told her that I would not be able to work for this manager in the long term. We continued to talk work shop stuff until we got to your office. It was only 4:30 and we were in the middle of a conversation. She pulled off to the side of the road and we sat and talked for 15ish mins.

I headed in, around the side, up the stairs through the doors, making sure to catch the door so it doesn’t slam, down the stairs, push the button, and into the waiting room. I took off my coat and pulled out my journal for today’s session. Someone came down the stairs and around the corner, I think it was you. I sit so that I can’t see who comes down the stairs and they can’t see me.

I had some time, so I took out a highlighter and worked through my copy of the journal marking the different things I wanted to talk about. I got through with that and still had a few moments. I put away the highlighter and waited. You came out shortly thereafter to get me. You said hi, welcome back (something like that). I said hi, and something else. You lead us back to your office. I sat my coat and journal on the couch, and my bag on the floor. I sat down and pulled out my water from my bag, I sat it on the other side of me on the floor. So much for me sitting on the floor. You said something about can’t wait to find out how I was doing. I said I was doing ok, that I went to work today. I said I was tired and sore some. I reached down to my bag and pulled out a light to shine on the glow in the dark puzzle so we could look at it today, at end of session. You went over to the puzzle and rearranged things some, I had turned on the light. I said it was bright and tried to make sure I was not shining it at you when you turned around to get it. I handed you the light and you tried to figure out how to place it. I suggested that you use the puzzle boxes, and you did.

While you were doing this, I tried to adjust the pillows this way and that way, I moved around some on the couch. You returned to your chair and offered me several different pillows and encouraged me to find what would make me feel comfortable. I replied saying that there’s being physically comfortable and then there’s being mentally/emotionally comfortable. I said I might just be fidgety today. You said it was ok.

We continued to talk a little about how I was doing and the whirlwind of my week. I said something about missing you, you said I know. I talked about this and that from being at the hospital. I joked with you about sending that first email from the ED. I said that I thought how mean it would have been to send it with just a subject line of in ED being admitted, knowing it was going to a psychiatrist. You laughed a little at this and the thought of what in the world. Granted even with the infection word in the email you probably were still going what in the world.

I said something and you said how when you got my email about going into surgery you imagined me being rolled down the hallway in a gurney. I said I was. I told you how I was informed that they were coming to get me and I had 30 mins, so I was frantically trying to contact/email everyone that the surgery was happening and 5-10 mins later the gurney showed up and I hadn’t even done the wipe down with the special cloths or switched fresh gown or anything. You said something about being on the same wave length. Some more chit chat about this and laughter.

I tell you that I have pictures of my leg and asked you if you wanted to see pictures of it. You say some positive response – sure? I pulled out my phone and started to pull it up. I talked to myself saying that I don’t need to take another picture of your rug – laughter. I pull up the picture and handed you my phone. You said yes red, angry. You ask if I could feel the heat off of it. I said yes. Told you about having the drain and amount of drainage, I said that I’d see Dr. H next Wednesday. You asked about Dr. B. I said that I would go back to her because I was her patient, he was just the on call attending

This talk reminded me of part of what was in my journal regarding my post on the forum describing my experience of you coming to the hospital to see me. I explained that someone had posted on the forum about their T offering to go to a medical procedure with them and how they’d turned it down. I shared with you that I initially had responded with the fact that you had come see me in the hospital and that I acknowledged that a medical appointment was different than a hospital bed because lots of different people might visit someone in the hospital. You acknowledged that point. I told you that someone else had responded about it being a slippery slope around boundaries and setting up expectations. Then I read to you my reply to that posting, that summarized how my surgeries, the asking/not asking and my feelings around the outcome.

You wanted to know what I thought/felt about it. I said it was interesting to see the progression. I talked about starting to believe or something, not sure about my exact wording. I do see it as development of the bond/attachment/trust/belief in you/us – as growth. The ability to hold the safety of the relationship longer and longer. I tried to recall the exact phrasing of the line in your email. You seemed to know which line I was talking about. Finally, I just said that line about peace and I know. I thanked you for that line. You responded, did you say, “you are welcome”? Something along those lines, acknowledging my thanking you.

Next up – sitting on the floor/not sitting on the floor. I don’t know how I started off the topic. I probably made some joke about it not mattering as much as I can’t sit on the floor right now. I told you that in last session when I sat on the floor and you didn’t offer, I went hmmm ok, let’s see how this goes. I was talking the math stuff at first so I just went with the me on the floor and you in the chair. Then I noticed again at the end that you never moved to the floor. There wasn’t much in the way of stress about it that day/night. An awareness of something different happening and that was about it. I went on to say how the next day the thoughts started picking up about it and the many Elio reasons why it happened. I think you told me here that it just slipped your mind; that there wasn’t ulterior motives in these things, it is just life. I was looking at my journal entry. I didn’t want to read what I had written. I was embarrassed by it. Finally, I said something about you already having it so I might as well read it. You touched your copy of the journal. I had already given it to you rather than waiting until the end like usual. I read my journal entry to you about the sitting on the floor.

You listened to what I was saying. I felt like you were following my many reasons why and my feelings about those different reasons. Then I came to the one about closeness. I felt like you nodded to that one, maybe you thought it had more significance than the others. Maybe it does. We talked some more about this, I reiterated how on session day it didn’t seem to bother me, I even said something about us talking math so it wasn’t that risky. I think something was said about the headspace of the older boy and it was that concept that lead me to bringing up the camp fire.

I asked you if you read about the campfire. You said you had, I asked you what you thought about it. You mimed putting your hands out to warm them by a fire and roasting march mellows. I was looking for something I wrote and realized that it was in an email to a friend. I tried to describe to you what I wrote to her about the camp fire and the parts. I explained that I was seeing the parts around the camp fire being allowed to talk as long as they needed and about whatever they needed to talk about with the I listening, not judging, questioning, or even guiding/directing. Just listening until they all have had their say and have nothing more to say, then the I needs to leave and think about what was said, contemplate what was said. You said like a tribal leader/elder. I said, yes very much like that, in a slow unrushed way about it. Making sure everyone has the time to say whatever they want to say and be/feel heard. You made a comment about my tattoo. I said that this was the image in my head about how to work with my parts.

I said that it is in part what you have shown me, done for me, what I am learning from you. When you told me no to additional touch, you let me just go with whatever came out, whatever part had something to say. You listened and answered the questions. You patiently let me talk. I continued with saying how early on we’d talked about if I was going to be so open with you, share so much with you (in person but mostly through the journal) then I needed to know that whatever I said about us, about you would not affect/change what you were planning to do. You remembered these topics. It’s some of this too. That the I needs to listen and let the parts feel heard without them changing what the I will do (most the time). I got the feeling that you found this a peaceful thought and a way of dealing with my internal world that was consistent with who I am as a person. I talked with a friend some about empathy. I don’t think this is giving those parts empathy as much as giving them space and permission to exist.

This topic wound down and I was unsure if I should continue with what was next on my list. I said that I had wanted to talk about this topic going into last session but we didn’t get to it. I talked about how sometimes when something happens in session I feel like there is more going on with you, I sense something happening. I said that most the time it is a good thing and I am willing to accept that it is just my perception a significant portion of the time. I say that I like it and I don’t mind if it is just my perception because of what I get from it. We talked about the risk of me bringing it up and you saying that there isn’t anything, how would I feel about it. I say that I don’t think that would go over very well. That I wouldn’t want my bubble burst. There is such an element in my process that is all about the feelings of the moment. I think that if what I feel isn’t what is going on, then I will lose out on something important. You also asked, if I did sense something negative and you confirmed it how would that affect things. How would it be for me to have that confirmed. I don’t think anything is concluded here.

I was thinking about should I or should I not tell you about last session. You said that I seemed to be thinking something. I said I was, you said I know, we laughed. I start to tell you my thoughts and my watch goes off. Again, laughing. I wonder if 5 mins is really appropriate to bring up this topic. I tell you that last session, when we were talking about “if something bad happens to you” section, I sensed something more was going on with you. You asked me what did I sense or see. I describe that it seemed like something more was going on for you, that you seemed to withdraw. It felt like you were still there and listening to me, but more was happening when you said the ok’s. You don’t confirm or deny anything here. I think I even said something about confirming or denying but that might have been part of the earlier topic. A little more was said, I don’t remember. I got quiet and started shuffling my journal pages. I was uncomfortable with the space. I felt yucky. You just sat there. I didn’t look at you.

Somewhere in the session, I brought up the joke from a friend. I told you that she had another math joke. You said that you hoped you could follow it. I said that you could. I found it in my journal and read it to you – her comment about work is not a subset of rest. You laughed at that. I don’t know if it was this joke that I used to help close the session. I said something to help reconnect.

I scooted to the edge of the couch. I said that this might be changing, that something is changing with it. Maybe I’m starting to believe, really believe that you know. It’s more than believing that you know, I don’t know what it is.

me: I love you
you: I know

I don’t want to leave. It is clear I don’t want to leave, I don’t know what I said. I think I said something about having a good trip. I said to be safe, and joked about being well, because we forgot that last time and I ended up in the hospital, you laughed and returned the statements. I struggle to go. We confirm that we are on for Tuesday. I said something about 5 sleeps. You tried to do the math and I said Thursday to Tuesday, 5 sleeps. I comment about how 5 sleeps are too many. I work my way out the door, and up the stairs. A voice in my head repeating, “don’t make me go, don’t make me go”. I got to the top of the stairs and turned around to close the door. I laughed as I recalled the light for the puzzle and how I had forgotten all about it. I think about going back down. I can’t go back down, I can’t leave you again. I figure it will be there next time and I leave. I almost feel good about not forcing myself to return for the light. I almost feel like I am being good to that part. I didn’t need the light during the week, why torture it by making it leave you again (and yes, I notice that I am referring to that part as an it). Remember when I talked about the really young part, younger that the little boy, it was genderless. At the time I thought it was the little boy, as I write this, I realize that it didn’t feel like the little boy – it didn’t feel like it was anything but a voice in my head.