It does feel like a great moral quandary. It so happens I worked in nursing homes and am horrified at what they can be like. I managed to find better ones to work in, but they've either closed or are not available to him. In the places where I worked, I ran myself ragged trying to get more done than time allowed, or I stayed late without getting paid always for it. I hated seeing people neglected. That might sound like high moral integrity, but that's not what I'm all about. People should work to put themselves in circumstances where they can afford the quality of life they want for themselves and those they love. I went through life with no plan or strategy for how I wanted to end up. I fell for this very irresponsible man, and I ended up not being all that responsible myself. Neither of us paid any attention to money matters and just got by hand to mouth.

I should emotionally detach more from him. He doesn't express any concern whatsoever about what happens to me when he is gone. I won't have anyone providing the safety net for me that I provide for him. Maybe too much compassion is not a virtue at all, but just foolishness.

I could organize things so that I would get out to some activity. I have no excuse for not doing that . . . other than I am depressed . . . and we have been bouncing from one medical crisis to the next, so my head is kept spinning over constant disruptions in any routine.

Physically, I've become so deconditioned from just hanging around this apartment that I truly have an awful time now mustering up some energy. It's like I'm getting sucked down in quick sand.

I wish that when I went to the psych center, they were more interested in helping me. They just see me as low priority with no big problem. There is no one the least invested in me at all. I don't get calls from his family, or much from mine. Probably, the psych center can't do anything for me anyway. I don't know what I expect.

Eventually, something will change. I wonder if I will be able to some day have some happiness. I used to be good at coming up with changes to make when my life felt bad. Now I seem to be in a real trap . . . and it was all of my own making. I guess in life you need a certain streak of ruthlessness, if you are not going to get sucked down into a bad situation. I think of members of his family and mine who have that. They live way better than I do. They also work harder than I ever did.