When will the affect of childhood abuse end??? I'm DID. I just admitted my younger brother (the one who's child i'm raising) into the hospital because he can't fight the major depression anymore and doesn't want to live. IT'S NOT FAIR!

I hate these people who messed him up so bad that he'll never be completely whole and functioning. He's a hurt little boy at 36. He doesn't see the full impact of the PTSD the runs his life and decisions. He's not DID, but he gets stuck in time. He's a scared little boy in a man's body and reacts with anger. Alot of ppl look at him and say, "he's a strong, capable man. he's lazy." OMG! He can barely function day to day, let alone be at a job 5 days a week. It takes all of his capability most days to simply make it through the day! I do get angry at some of the decisions he makes, but in the end I know that he's ill...very ill.

He called me "the rescuer of the family" and asked me to take the hospital. That's the code for the fact that he's a danger to self. I'm so proud of him for keeping his promise to me!!!! That took so much. With his first attempt 11 years ago, he signed a pact with me that when he couldn't get away from it, he would call me or SOMEONE. He's honored that several times now. He knows that I love him when he can't love himself enough. I don't remember the entire trip the the hospital. No biggie, right? However, when we got there I was sitting far back away and couldn't hear most of what he was saying. This is when DID makes me mad. This was important. This was my stuff to take in, yet a part of me sat there and I was pushed way back. That's not fair! He called for ME. He needed ME. Someone inside took that from me. This is when DID is not acceptable to me.

Yes, I was stressed more than I can express here. I was worried more than I've been in years. However, it was NOT something that I couldn't handle. I guess I should be excited that I was even allowed to "watch" and can remember lots...well, i'm not. His words were important to ME.

I'm going to try to journal tonite and see if insiders will put down what he was saying. I'm sure they won't give me all six hours of it. I don't ever want that to happen again.

Has anyone else had that happen? If so, please share to help me know that I'm not such a outsider right now. I look at my beautiful little brother and get so angry when I see what abuse has done to him. Can't these abusers see this? Do they think that they can do what they want and everything will be fine. No, because they don't care. I wish these children would have that insight...they don't care...and maybe they wouldn't be affected so heavily? There is no justification for hurting a child...ever. The lasting affect is too much for the person to bear for just one instance...let alone 10 incidences a day. These people should be put on an island and left to each other's hands. Their hands should never, ever be near a child or the weak ever again.

I needed to say this. I realize this may be removed. I still needed to say this.

kd