shannon..thank you...I'm 53 and my son is 28...It took me till 40 something to find someone that I felt like my authentic self with ...

I thank you for your input..cause I needed feedback but I want to say to you the same thing I said to my therapist...when you guys say "you deserve better"...He was a great human being with compassion for others...very close to his ailing Mom...watched him sole handedly take care of his sister when I first met him...and he refused to leave her...I felt safe with my emotions and body...Who says there is better out there for me?

Drugs are NOW a deal breaker for me...but they weren't a deal breaker for me when I met him cause I have been addicted to alcohol basically my whole life...Would it have been true if someone said to whoever I was dating..You can do better? Just because I drank alcohol too much?

CrazyHitch..I don't know what and "episode" feels like...I was only diagnosed with Bipolar 1 about a year ago..and I'm not on board with the diagnosis.

But I defiently was having a panic episode over this yesterday...I was about to send him a text yesterday and ask who he was seeing and ask if I knew her...He wasn't doing anything wrong according to women when he was with me...He was trustworthy and loyal....

During the seperation I found some emails where he was reaching out to women on Craiglist..and I wasn't snooping his email was set up on my phone because he didn't know how or want to know how to use it when he was with me and only used the email for prospective jobs...

I got an email notification one day and it was a reply from someone on Craigslist at the same time he was seeing me once a week..and I thought we were both aiming for sobriety and then we knew if we achieved sobriety for a period of time..we would work on other things.

But, since I saw him reaching out...I kinda put that in the category of "cheating" because he didn't tell me about it..and he was treating me well at the same time

Craz