Thanks so much, Trailrunner. That doesn't describe what my early experience was like but I can well believe it was yours. Good, I suppose, that you can now put it into words.

I can identify with the lack of a solid ground. Mine was more fragmented. (Diagnosed with DDNOS 8 years ago, that would probably be OSDD now.)

A couple of years ago I dug deep trying to find love or joy or something that seemed prior to loving or awareness of individual people, and did find a "joie de vivre" that I have tried to bring back up into my relationship and living in the world. I found it but it's still not very connected with me and the world. I guess these things take time? It's psychological but the connection with the biological? That could take the time?

Anyway, it's very reassuring, almost "grounding" to read about your experience. Somewhat similar, though not the same. Still, reading it, I don't feel quite so alone with my stuff.