I'm a 20 year old female and, from a young age, I remember having these strange feelings/sensations where I suddenly have this realisation that I'm me. It's really confusing and weird, and I struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm who I am. I know I'm me, but I don't feel like I am. It kind of feels like "Beth" is a character from a story and find it weird to think that I am Beth. Lately I've been having strange feelings about how, when you finish a story, you leave the world of that character and stop following them, so like thoughts of eventually drifting away from myself? I really don't know - it's so hard to explain. Often I feel like I'm just going through the motions of things and I know I'm there, but I don't feel completely 'in' it. I see myself as the person I live as rather than 'me'. I'm not sure why I have these experiences, as I've read it can often be a response to trauma, but I haven't had any trauma. I had some difficult times in high school, but nothing really bad enough to be considered 'trauma' and I was already having these weird experiences before that stuff happened. I have no self-esteem, so perhaps it could me trying to get out of myself (someone I hate and don't want to be), but it started before I developed low self-esteem.

I'm not sure who I am, and I've noticed that I often try to find something about myself (or something going on in my life) and cling onto it as my identity/defining myself with that. For example, I used to be one of the top academic achievers at school, so my identity was someone who achieved academically. When I got to university, I was no longer one of the top achievers, and I have struggled to cope with it.

I feel disconnected from myself and, sometimes, disconnected from the world. I often worry my thoughts aren't real and that I put them into my mind just to get the outcome I want. For example, I feel like I put depressive feelings in my mind so I could see myself as a troubled person and feel sorry for myself, and maybe to make my life more "interesting". I haven't been diagnosed with any mental health problems, but I've had symptoms of depression and anxiety, which I've been prescribed antidepressants for (50mg sertraline). I've been taking sertraline for five weeks today. When I first started taking the medication, the "depersonalisation" feelings were a lot worse and I was very spaced out (I did get spaced out sometimes before, but not that badly) and things seemed very surreal and strange. It felt like I was in another world. The side effects got better over time, and I think the medication is helping. I used to have very intense feelings of hopelessness, self-hate, stressing about the future, etc, but that has calmed down. I have had quite a few instances of feeling numb and not really one way or the other, but I guess that's better than how I was without the medication? Also I'm not having meltdowns over minor inconveniences anymore and am dealing with stressful situations better. My mum also said she can see the improvement in me. One week into starting sertraline, I saw a doctor because I was concerned about my side effects, and he said it was normal and that the depersonalisation was probably caused by anxiety.

I am still feeling depersonalised, though, and I'm wondering if it may be a separate issue. I've been feeling spaced out quite a bit lately. It's a stressful time in my life at the moment as I have exams, so it could be a response to that, but I feel the medication is helping me cope with that, so I don't think I'd need to space out to deal with it. I think of some of the ways I have felt and things I have done and, while I know that was me, I don't feel connected to them. I just feel really strange. I'm not sure if it's getting worse or if it's just that I'm not bothering about being depressed and anxious as much, so I'm focusing on and noticing these feelings more? I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for a medication review. I want to stay on medication, but I should probably mention these feelings to the doctor?

Sorry this is so long and is mostly rambling. :P