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scott88keys said:
When I was a kid growing up as a child and teen, I was not accepted by my peers and never fit in. I was bullied, teased, treated poorly by peers, you name it and I'm not going to go into what I went through in my family life. Fast forward to adulthood and here I am with a type A personality, perfectionist, and over-achiever. It doesn't take a degree in psychology to figure that one out.

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It's so funny but I swear you're my twin. Exact same history, exact same result. Unfortunately, none of it is actually funny. Being ignored, verbally attacked, physically assaulted, these things affect anybody if it happens once or twice. If it happens constantly at an age where your identity is still being shaped, it changes you forever. It is abuse, plain and simple. Why people are able to minimize it just because it happened in a school setting is beyond me.

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scott88keys said:She replied with, that was over 20 years ago--don't the hundreds and hundreds of successes you've achieved since then cancel that crap out? Why do you (me) believe the negative stuff from a bunch of stupid kids from years ago and not the positive stuff from professional adults?...She makes such a good point! Logically, intellectually, I have to agree with her. But emotionally, on the inside, I'm just a wreck...

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I frequently step back and look at my life with that lofty, intellectual detachment and yup, I know your wife is right. We've proven ourselves to the world, great job, congratulations to us. Too bad we haven't proven it to ourselves, huh?

I've come to the conclusion that what we accomplish will not solve the problem. This sucks in that this is clearly our strategy but no level of success or accolades is going to change how we think and feel about ourselves. We have to heal that pain in therapy. We need to process the trauma under the guidance of someone who is trained to get us through it. After that, maybe we'll actually start to enjoy some of this success.

I can't directly relate to the public speaking thing in so much as I've always had the gift. I've just always been able to do it (I went to state for speech team in high school and was in lots of theater). To this day, I can easily speak in public. So for me it would be analogous to that period before I start a paid writing project. I won’t start the project at first; it will just sit out there, waiting for me. I'll work myself into a panic, letting my insecurities tie my guts into knots. And then, after as much time as I can afford to lose passes, I'll start working. Then it's easy, the anxiety fades, and I do fine.

But to the heart of your question, will you always have to go through that period? In some small way, yeah, probably. But I think we both can get better at it. With each little revelation and milestone in therapy, I think that period will grow shorter and less intense. That's my hope. If I'm wrong, I don't want to know, it's what keeps me going to therapy.

Cyran0