T today, part 1. Sat down, I mentioned how it felt like it had been longer than a week since I'd seen him. He asked why, then said he also realized in the past few weeks, because of all that was going on, I'd had more contact with him and MC. And he didn't know if I'd had any in past week with MC. I said, "Well, actually I did..." He said I seemed to be hiding when I said that and asked why. I said because I ended up e-mailing him...but that I guessed it was OK. That I should have talked about it with T last session but opted not to. Then that night I got all emotional, typed out e-mail to MC, gave it 12-hour waiting period, then sent it. Felt OK about it, like about what I said.

Handed copy to T to read, while I looked around his office, noticing some books and decor I hadn't noticed before, including a Hamsa. And some book on Chinese fighting. He went to hand it back to me, and I said he could keep it. He asked if I was just going to throw it away, and if so, he'd put it in my file. I said, "well, I'd recycle it, but yeah." So he kept it.

I said I felt mostly OK about MC's response, particularly the first line, where he said he wanted to work this through with me. I said it made me feel like he really cared, that he was willing to work on it. I said I was less sure about next part, where he says he's made mistakes--that's he's imperfect and has/will make mistakes. I said I felt like it was a cop-out of sorts. T said he understood why I felt that way, since he wasn't mentioning a specific mistake.

I said we were seeing him Friday, how I'd had a discussion with H about it after the e-mail, and he agreed to request an appointment sooner than Feb. 5. I said how I was nervous about the session, unsure how to approach it, if it would just be a single session, multiple session conversation or what. T said the best way to approach it might be to just start with a single thought, instead of a whole list of things, because then MC might just respond to one, and not the one I thought was most important. To make the one point, then see where it goes from there. He suggested one thing I could start with was MC's comment about how he's "not perfect" and how I thought it was kind of a cop-out because it's such a generalization. And then see if maybe MC would actually mention some specific mistake he made.

I said I was worried MC would say he shouldn’t have allowed any outside contact in the first place, because that might feel like he’s saying he shouldn’t have cared as much as he did (I started tearing up at that point). T seemed to understand why that would upset me. And he said that if he does say that, to tell him how it made me feel.

Around this time, T was fiddling with the cuff on his sleeve and his Fitbit. He said he felt like the Fitbit was bothering him, and I said I knew you were supposed to wear them looser if you're not actively exercising (I have one, too). He said he thought it was maybe that the cuff was too tight. He was then like, "OK, I'm going with the cuff roll today" and rolled up his cuffs. Then he said, "I bet you didn't think you'd spend part of the session watching me get dressed!" I just laughed. Amusingly a couple minutes later, I realized I'd missed a button on my blouse, but I was wearing a camisole under, so no skin was shown!

Also, because of the other thread, I kinda kept starting at his eyes during session, trying to determine if they were green, hazel, or something else. I think they're green? I thought about asking him, but felt awkward doing that. He didn't seem to notice the staring! OK, more in a bit (separate post).