I hear you, TR.

I also was unable to have a healthy attachment as a newborn and infant. I still struggle with this today in my relationships and I am still in therapy. T3 suggests that I hold the belief that I don't deserve to live; possibly that belief was formed while I was still in the womb.

Regardless of when it started, I do feel the lack of attachment still. I'm 54 (I had to stop and calculate my age-which shows how dissociated I can be from just typing the above). So yes, the truth of that is quite distressing, and maybe worse than not knowing.

Since you quote Brennan Manning, I offer this; if it doesn't work for you, then please feel free to ignore. I think the only place we can go with this is to know that we were knit together in the womb by God and that God knew us then. And if our God is a God of love, then we were clearly created in/by love. That is the only place that I know of where I can ground my trust and hope.