It sounds like you're longing for the good mother-daughter relationship that you never had. That's understandable. I doubt this lady is somehow going to morph into who you always wished she could have been.

With your father gone, your mother may be freer to interact with people a bit differently. But I wouldn't expect too much. You say she encouraged your father to abuse you? That's hard to reconcile with her suddenly becoming a good person.

I would be very slow to bring her around my home and around my child. If you're burning to talk things over, you could meet her for dinner some eve . . . at a restaurant . . . or maybe just coffee and pie at a diner. (Leave your child at home.) See how that goes. Ask her your questions. Don't make any commitment to having her back in your life on an on-going basis.

Having your daughter meet her - just once - could be more confusing and hurtful for your daughter than having them never meet. When your daughter gets older, like over age 17, she can decide for herself. This whole thing could get real troubling to a child. If your child is still quite young, I don't imagine you've told her about the abuse inflicted on you. So how is your daughter going to make sense of Granma popping in and then disappearing (if the reconnection doesn't work out?) Your daughter might think she is being rejected. There is stability in leaving things as they are now.

As your mother gets older, she is going to have problems related to aging, as will we all. How involved do you want to be in helping her with those? How open do you want to be to getting needy phone calls? A woman who was as enmeshed as she was in a vile situation is a woman with a lot of problems that didn't vanish just because her abusive husband passed away. She's going to be a troubled lady all her life. How much of that do you need in your life?

I pay as much attention to what you didn't say as to what you did. I'm not hearing that she called you expressing deep sorrow and remorse. (Maybe she did and you just wanted to keep the story concise.)

I can't tell you what you should do, as I honestly don't know. But beware of trying to make a fantasy come true. I think it goes without saying that you will not be leaving your child alone with Granma.

Above all, don't reconnect as a favor to your daughter. She can get by just fine never knowing this woman. The sad reality is that she is not missing much.