The snow-delayed, emoticon-free part 2 (of 2) of my T session from yesterday:

We were talking about stuff with MC and ex-T, how there was the paternal and maternal transference. I said how at one point, MC had said that he told ex-T that they should tell their respective spouses that they had a child together named LT. And how that struck me as an odd thing to say, even though I did sometimes think of them as "Mom and Dad" at times. He said he was wondering about something: Do I feel like a child? I said I didn’t think so? He said he especially wondered because it’s not like MC is that much older than me. I said yeah, just 12 years. And how that was part of why I was confused at first, not knowing if it was paternal or erotic transference, since I’d dated someone the same age difference from me.

T asked more about if I felt like there was some sort of romantic or erotic part to the stuff with MC. At first I said mostly more of a wanting the closeness thing. But then added that, well, it wasn’t just that at times. He asked if I meant dreams, and I said, “Yeah, uh…” and he said, “Fantasies?” I said, “Uh, yeah, at times…I know this is probably weird because you know him!”
He said that maybe MC isn’t used to people being attracted to him (he's not particularly attractive by conventional standards), so he (MC) had assumed it was more paternal. He said, “Maybe he isn’t used to being thought of as a sex symbol.” I laughed and said, “Well, I don’t exactly think of him as a sex symbol either…"

He said something about the transference being very far-reaching. I said yes, that it was confusing because of all the different elements. He also mentioned how from what he’s been aware of and heard, it’s a much stronger attachment than most people would experience to their therapist. That maybe some therapists would never have a client that attached to them (or something like that)

I said it was interesting, because ex-T had said something similar but it bothered me when she said it. And that he (T) has said other similar things to what she’s said, but they also didn’t bother me. He said maybe because she’s a woman? I said maybe that, or I just wasn’t in a place to hear them when she said them. or both. T said also maybe because he’s the second person to say them...

I mentioned something else that had come up with ex-T. I was talking to her about how I have a million thoughts going through mine at any time. And I'd asked ex-T, “Doesn’t everyone else’s mind work like that?” And she was just like, “Uh, no.” T said in his job, he gets to see how lots of people's brains work. And how often people with anxiety say they wish they could be like people whose brains were more peaceful. I said I wished that too.

Then he said he couldn’t remember if I was a Seinfeld fan, I confirmed that I was. He mentioned Elaine’s boyfriend, Puddy. I said, “The episode when they’re on the plane?” He said, “Yeah, where she asks him if he’s just going to stare at the back of the seat the whole flight, and he replies, 'Yep.' And she said, ‘OK, we’re breaking up.'” I said, “Yeah, and then they got together and broke up a couple more times on the flight." We were both laughing at that.

Along similar lines (this made sense in the context), he was talking about how therapists, particularly psychologists with a PhD (like him), can be a weird group of people. How to get a PhD, you have to do lots of studying and reading, so lots of them are more bookwormish and less skilled socially. So they may not have very good social skills, yet are going into a profession where social skills can be very helpful.

I said I got the sense that he (T) has pretty good social skills, though of course I couldn’t say, because it’s not like I’ve seen him out at a party or something. Then I said that maybe i assumed that because he’s an athlete. T said people do tend to erroneously make that assumption. I said, “Yeah, plus, I mean, it’s not like you’re the quarterback of a pro football team or something.” He said, “Yeah, there aren’t too many quarterbacks who are 5’7”.” I said, “There are some shorter quarterbacks!” (digging myself further into a hole…) We then spent a few minutes talking about the football playoff games from the weekend (he knows I’m a football fan).

I looked at the clock and said I knew we had to stop in a minute. And how I was nervous about seeing MC Friday. He said he was going to give me similar advice to what he tells people who are confronting their abusers (not sure if there was any significance to him using that example...) Basically going in without expecting the other person to respond as I’d hoped. To think about how I’m presenting myself and what I’m saying, not about what response I’m going to get, because i can't control that. I said I suspected if someone was confronting an abuser, they likely wouldn't get the response they wanted. He said maybe 1% of the time. (I didn't ask why he used that particular example...)

I said how one of the biggest things for me is that I didn't want what had happened recently with MC to overshadow anything good that had happened with him. That I was afraid I'd just think of him as "another authority figure who hurt me" rather than someone who had helped me at least some of the time. And I didn't want that.

And then T said something that might be obvious to many people, but felt particularly profound to me: “LT, something you’re going to come to realize is that someone can be both very caring and kind, and then also be cruel and hurtful. Yet it’s the same person. And sometimes people who seem bad can also be caring at times."

I said, so I guessed it wasn’t black and white, good or bad, which is more how I tend to think of it. Then I said (we were definitely out of time by then) how maybe I need to apply that to myself, too…that I tend to think, “I was unfaithful, so now I’m a bad person” or “I got a DWI (15 years ago), so now I’m a bad person.” He agreed that was a good connection and something to work on. I said I imagined that wouldn’t be a quick thing to resolve...

I knew it was time to schedule, and I said, "So now is when you tell me you're taking the next month off, right?" T laughed and said, "No. Next Tuesday at 1:30?" I said OK, and we went over to his desk to pay. Did that, then he held out his hand and said "See you next week" as we shook hands. Then "Good luck out there." I thanked him, said "You too," and headed out. When I got to the elevator, I realized I was shaking...