Lately I've realized that I get angry to re-establish a sense of control. That I feel personally violated by life if there's a situation where I'm not in control and that this anger gets generated that puts me 'on top' so to speak. So it is paradoxical because of course being angry means acting irrationally and out of control but in the moment it feels good. My psychiatrist says this is my subconscious leaking out and it also manifests itself during my paranoid psychotic states when I believe that great powers like the fbi are out to get me.

I remember the rage my parents directed towards me and towards each other. My sister was spared the worst and I remember both my parents saying, after they had abused me, that I "wanted to be a victim". This is what they said to me when I was 10 years old.

I developed an idealized belief system that the powerful person is the one who displays anger and I think that is why I latch onto anger so strongly when I feel the loss of control and can make outbursts at people and end up losing them as friends.

This anger also gets directed towards myself. It is part of all the negative self talk I engage in although that is not the whole story there.

I never really understood the rage as a manifestation of feeling in control. Most people think of rage as being out of control.

Does anyone relate to this or is it all gobbly gook to you?