You are not alone. Freeing yourself from a toxic relationship is exceedingly difficult.

I have a very, very complicated relationship status that many wouldn't understand. The reality is that I know our relationship is toxic. It's not even that he is entirely toxic, or I am entirely toxic. But together we are toxic. Yet I feel horribly dependent on him, in large part because of my depression. I just cannot find a way to cut him off cold turkey.

So instead I try to push for growth. I also try to emotionally detach. He has a tendency to be stonewall me, which I have learned is incredibly painful. It makes me feel worthless. Perhaps in order to mitigate the pain of the "stonewall" he requested a "week off" from us. It still feels like stonewalling, but I'm going to muster up all the emotional courage I have inside of me (which honestly isn't very much), take my benzos when appropriate, and ride this out.

Perhaps on the other side I will realize I can break free and not look back. Perhaps I'm not as dependent as I thought.

Those who say to go no contact are probably right but in my experience it was been next to impossible due to my depression and overall mental deficiencies.