I feel like I'll be alone forever. I've never had a relationship with anyone my whole life, I'm over 40 and I feel like it will never happen. Never dated, no friends anymore. Just work and spend time with immediate family (whom I live with). I'm not even bad looking or anything, healthy, no mental issues (nothing severe like what I've found on these forums, maybe a bit of social anxiety) and I had a lot of opportunities when I was younger, primarily in school to 'hook up' but I don't know what held me back. Now it seems hopeless. I dread even meeting someone, because I'm so embarrassed at my state, socially and sexually. I may have been acceptable in my mid twenties, but past 40 and no intimate relation, and no friends. They will run far away from me thinking there's something wrong with me.

I don't even know how to form a connection with anyone. I never did and never learned how, well except maybe in high school, life was easier back then and it was easier to make friends. But as an adult its so weird, everyone out there is already settled and paired up with others, either married, or has their own circle of friends. No one seems really open.

And even when I talk to people I encounter day to day, apart from the small talk, it never goes beyond that. Not that I meet anyone in my career sitting at a desk all day. There's no socialization or anything. No work events either.

I mean I do things to keep myself busy, I have hobbies I like, I travel several times a year, but all those things are done alone. And I feel like I do them just to give the outward impression that I'm 'busy' with stuff, or that I'm supposed to be doing them because its what people do, not necessarily because I really want to. But mainly I have no enjoyment in the hobbies I have is because a lot of the time is spent alone so its not really that much fun. I've joined clubs, but any interactions with people stay at the club, when I come home, its just me alone as usual. Nothing carries over to my personal life, everything is kept cold and distant in my interaction with people for some reason.

Overall I just feel like an observer, just watching everyone around me do things and move on with their lives, buy homes, grow their career, get together, have fun etc. and I'm not part of anything. Its really sad, but its my life now and I'm used to it.