Thank you for your replies to this thread!

It was pretty raw when I posted it and I had just talked about it with my counselor. It has taken me a bit to settle myself with it.

The main question that is still on my mind is, “How could I have functioned all those years and never realized or acknowledged what it really is?”

I was on my way to my counselors office and it hit me out of nowhere that my mom didn’t feel “real” to me anymore. My brother doesn’t feel real to me either. We have never been close. He’s a “throw you under the bus” convince kind of person.

We talked about that after I got to his office and I could not verbalize what I was trying to say or explain.

I guess with the realization of dealing with not having a attachment with my mom, it maybe distances her from me trying to be what I could never achieve for her.

I don’t know, that sounds kind of twisted up.

Maybe it’s a good thing?

I don’t know.

It’s just been kind of “distancing” for me to sort through this.

Thank you again for your replies.

They helped me until I was good to reply.

ETA:

I wanted to add that my mom doesn’t look at me when she talks to me. It can be about anything and she is looking to the side of me or off in space.

If she does look at my face, it’s like she’s looking through me.

It’s like she doesn’t see me.

I’m not real and she’s looking right through me.

I just wanted to add that.