Dear TR,

My mother has her eyes glued to the TV when I try to talk to her. I'm sorry you know how painful it is not even have your existence acknowledged.

I think perhaps the distancing from your mother and brother could be a good thing. I used to devote a lot of time, effort, mental energy into trying to "prove myself worthy" to my family of origin. Especially my older sister who had a "get close, then ignore me" dynamic. I spent years and years and years chasing after her, unable to detach.

Though it was hard and still is painful, at some point the words of others about "don't cross the ocean for someone who won't jump a puddle for you". finally clicked. I started to begin to have supportive friends who WANTED me around and told me so. Who are committed to healing from their complex traumas and transforming the pain. Finally finally, I began to ACCEPT that my sister, my parents might never EVER change. I'm still working through that grief. That I might forever just be an afterthought. A trashcan to dump in and then discard until "needed" again.
Perhaps you had to dissociate away the pain of not mattering, of not being loved, of being neglected, of being abused. So that you could function, and stay alive.

Janina Fisher's book "healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" talks about how we fragment in order to survive and function and reach adulthood.

The psyche is creative and works to survive.

I've long followed your posts, and should you feel comfortable, my inbox on PC is open to you should you want a listening ear.