Bloof. (That's a word now.) Fine, it was a good session. *insert childish pout face*

I may or may not still be in kid mode.

OK so we talked about my fears surrounding talking parts, etc. my history there, etc. his beliefs around it, etc. etc. We slipped a few times into things that made me teary, but we caught it and worked through it there.

I'd planned to go in and do another 'box opening,' but it was a big fat no even at his suggestions and prompting and gentle pushing. I finally managed to tell him that when I came to see him I often found myself in this sort of "silly kid" space and that...well...that part doesn't even have access to the boxes. To which he said "Ah...good point" and seemed to understand.

I'm still really really wary talking about this parts stuff. Wary on here, wary there with him...I told him it felt like a trick. Like he was telling me he was comfortable with it and parts work is central to his work and he has tons of experience with it, but that really, inside, secretly, he thinks it's absolute BS and is laughing about it. I said 'I just keep waiting for you to roll your eyes.'

I think it'll take more time than I'd like to figure out how to do this. I feel immense guilt talking about it at all. I told him that I was really scared that if I let myself talk about it, it'd get worse -- that's what happened last time -- and then I crammed it so far back and, already, it feels like it's getting 'worse.' And I said I'm afraid that that's something I'm doing subconsciously, but that it's my doing for appearances... and we're back to the same central terror: that people will think I am looking for attention.

He did tell me directly today that that is not how he experiences me. That he does experience some people that way, but that's not how he experiences me. That was really helpful.

Ended in the last 10 minutes talking about my daughter and showing him videos of her (I was trying to ease my way out of the session; not sure if he got that or not).

I left feeling good. Writing this has brought back some of the anxiety again, but I'm trying to remember how he said I didn't need to be upset that I didn't work on the things I planned to...that there's always next time. I told him...that's not how it works: every time is the last time. Bleh.