My main emotions today center around being alone all the time and I am lonely.Sometime I feel like I am disappearing without company,which I know stems from when I was a toddler and I was left all alone in the house without any adult or my sibling,back then it felt like I ceased to exist when that happened and I was very afraid.So even now at 53 years old being alone a lot reawakens that trauma and hurts so much.

I see people when I go to the cinema and to the pub and cafe but only have superficial conversations...I long to meet people to make friends with and connect with.

Next month I signed up to go for a meal with meet up club it is a women's group aiming to make new friends and connect.I am nervous cos meeting new people in new situations triggers my PTSD symptoms but I am going to risk this because I can no longer bear to be alone.I am meant to be having CBT I have been on the waiting list for that and I need to phone up and find out why they haven't contacted me yet.

The other day something happened that made me feel lonelier than ever.I was in Starbucks having a coffee and eating a sandwich when this weird wimpy really skinny guy with greasy hair came up to me and pretended we'd met before,I said no we haven't met,he said,you are welcome to join me,I said no thanks.He let me eat my sandwich,then came back and said can I join you,I said no again because ok I am not shallow to go by appearances but I do need to feel an attraction and to be honest I found him revolting.He then started saying Jesus is the way Jesus loves you and you need him whatever your issues are turn to him he will solve them,I thanked him but declined his advances.I felt so lonely then and felt why do I attract such weirdos cos I need friends and I attract this,there isn't me giving out needy and desperate vibes,only kind and caring ones, and so that is what I attract so weirdo looking to start up a religious cult.....it depressed me.

It made me question myself and I blamed it on my weight if I lost weight and became more attractive maybe I'd have people flock to me,people that had quality and substance about them and intelligence rather than weirdos that see me as easy.It hurts me that I am seen as a soft touch and leads me to isolate myself more.