todays session felt good. i have been doing a lot of thinking about her saying that i have been testing her,pushing her ,trying to get her angry to see if she would send me away.now that she is so much calmer and i have had some time away also .we seem to be able to communicate so much better .i was able to admit to her that maybe i was a but upset when she told me that she was going to retire . i hated how upset it made me . that it made me face how much i am dependent on her and the therapy . that i had tried so very hard to not be this person . and i was confronted with the reality i did not want to deal with . i told her how i felt stupid , how i was terrified that i was going to be hurt and didnt want to set myself up for that again .telling her this i was expecting her to give me the lecture about her boundaries and how i need to respect them and how this is her job etc...but she didnt do that. she told me that i was not stupid and that she ha forgotten about the retirement thing and that it was normal with my history to be afraid to be dependent on anything . and to be confused and scared .she said that she was not going anywhere and she was so glad that i was willing to bring it up with her . she said she completely understands why i would feel the way i do . how her saying that triggered so many fears of abandonment and how the mother was never there for me . i told her how i dont like to talk about therapy and us . she said that she was glad i did because it isnt always about the relationship in therapy . that that can be used to understand how the other relationships and stuff work out side of therapy . that this stuff can be talked about in those terms . but that i need to be willing to do that work . that therapy isnt for someone to come and have a nice conversation with a nice person ,that it is scary. and can feel horrible and hard . she said she is there to help me and has no plans on going anywhere but that i need to decide if i am willing to work through all the pain in my past . i dont really know what she means by that . any time i try to talk about it she stares away from it but whatever.

she said that she sees me living on two different plains in life . she said she finds it amazing how i have made a great life for myself with how traumatizing my history is . she said she sees all this great stuff . a husband who loves me and is great and sportive,a nice house , success with my crafting that i enjoy . a great group of friends to hang out with etc...BUT she sees that i am in a lot of ways not a part of that . although it is all there i am not able to be in it in the here and now . i told her that i have been trying to tell her this forever . that although i have all this and am thankful for it ,i cant really feel any of it . that is not me at all . she seemed to understand me finely . she said she sees me as putting myself in some kind of prison . trapped in all that trauma and past stuff . that that is the person who is in charge . not the person in the here and now . this is exactly how i feel . she said she doesnt know why i feel i need to keep punishing myself in this way and feeling so guilty. there are so many reasons and answers to that question .she said that i needed to be willing to look at all this and to figure out what next . weather i want to work through all this stuff . to be able to feel better . to stop punishing myself . i told her that i am but that i have no idea how to work through all this . she said it is a good start that you said you are wanting to .and she can help me with it but that she cant do the work for me .