This is just a post from someone that is in the mist of some problem maybe addiction. Like everyone here but it's different because we're all different. And some scientist would be able to code it or something ha no everything goes far away.

I don't know who I am in this very moment. Not being sober is like being something because it masks all that painful stuff so as I am sober now for a while.

What a dark hell to look at who you are and what your name is and why and contemplate everything when there's nothing you can do. Just a circle of objects and thoughts swirling in a vortex.

I can't count sober days. I see one big misery cluster in my reality.

I shouldn't post here when I have given up. But whatever addiction has stages. Stages like everything else. Things mix together and are apart of other things.

I slept 20 hours 4 times in a row. I have to work tomorrow. Coworker says I should smile.

But there's so many things wrong with what people say.

Never wanted to not be sober more badly. Because I don't think or believe I can do it. A belief is strong.

I just want to fade away. Hopeless. And being real, what is even real. People doing people things that I can't do. To be a functional member of society when everyone makes so many mistakes just accept the mistake but people just build lies upon it and bother me all the time. Makes me want to not have to deal with it because isn't everything just not in control.

So much pain. Thoughts don't even come together because I don't even know but feel like I know everything at the same time. Paradox.

How do I get out of a hole that I keep digging to hell when I am the one that will keep digging no matter what.. I can't.. Like genetics and an addictive personality disorder but everyone is addicted to something. I just don't even know what or why or where I am I second guess too much and things fall apart in the moment.

I have nothing in me to keep moving. But I guess writing here is some sort of hope seeking energy that does nothing for my situation. I don't even know if I'm depressed because I don't feel depressed. I just don't know what I'm doing in life. But really, no one does. Maybe they do and maybe I can.