It sounds like you are suffering from depression.

It's unfortunate a therapist is ruled out.
Do you see a psychiatrist? it might be very helpful to seek a diagnosis and treatment from a professional.

I deal with chronic suicidality and have done so since I was a child. For me, it's not only depression, but also CPTSD, etc.

I work at living in the Present Moment and find ways to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts/feelings.

Learning coping skills might be very helpful to you.
Have you done any CBT, DBT or Mindfulness training?

Please stay safe.


WC