I am sorry (((Saunders))), I get that way myself and I have learned to vent as much as I can out. I have been gradually learning more and more about how my history affected me more than I realized. For me, the solving is more about understanding all these triggers that I experience that cripple me so much because I don't always know "what" actually causes the trigger and why a trigger can turn into me experiencing a ptsd cycle where I get so incapacitated.

The last time I saw my parents and my sister was present I suffered an extreme attack that came over me out of no where. That frightened me because it was not anything I made a conscious choice to experience.

Whenever I am exposed to my older sister it turns into a toxic experience and I end up getting badly triggered. She can be very angry and she takes that anger out on me and yet she can take that anger out on anyone that doesn't fit into her idea of how others should respond to her need to control. When I sit and think about the family dynamics that revolved around my parent's toxic relationship, I see her as being an angry child that resented having two younger siblings and how these two younger siblings prevented her from getting the love and attention she felt she was not getting.

What I am seeing is a child that made it a point to find ways to take that loss back to where she filled her own need to gain control over my parents. What is sad about what she is doing is that she exhibits some cognitive distortions where she never let go of her perception of her two siblings as being a threat.

I wanted my father to have a meeting with the three of us so we could sit down in front of his lawyer and discuss the choices he made when it came to his and my mother's care before they died. I even tried to sit down with my father and talk to him about what I had been learning about what he set up that may cause problems. One of my concerns was that the way he set things up did not give me any power where if I saw choices being made for him that I felt were not good for him that I could have the power to question whatever choice was made because I feared seeing him in a place where he was unhappy and with what he put in place I would not be able to do anything about it.

He did begin to question what he set up however, my sister made it a point to encourage him to believe that the reason I approached him was about his money and that was not true. As time went on I watched my sister make choices that I felt were wrong. At one point my father collapsed because he had an ulcer that was bleeding and he lost so much blood that he collapsed and almost died. My sister got him to the hospital and they had to give him blood and treat this bleeding ulcer. When I went to visit him, he was stable and OVER the experience that did frighten him. I watched my sister stand at the bottom of his bed during my visit and as she stood there she made it a point to talk about what he experienced, how he almost died, that he was so frightened and what she was doing with him was wrong. When someone is past a trauma and stable, you NEVER encourage that person to feel the fear they felt when experiencing a trauma, especially when the individual is elderly. Instead, you focus on keeping that person in a more stable state of mind and keep them in the now. In that visit I did not follow my sister's effort to bring back that trauma, instead I focused on talking to my father about things I had just experienced in the now that I felt he would find interesting. Because I focused on keeping my father in the now noticing he was stable, my sister got angry. She wanted to revisit the "drama" and that is NOT what you do when someone is past a drama and is comfortable and stable.

I also watched how my sister handled my mother after my mother had her back surgery and was struggling badly with the after affects of the anesthesia. My mother needed TIME and QUIET to slowly regain herself and I have experienced that myself so I knew what I was looking at where my mother was confused and struggling. My sister failed to see the importance of giving her time and put her in a room with a hispanic woman and my sister literally said, "she should be with someone else to stimulate her". That was WRONG, the last thing you do is try to stimulate someone when they are struggling with the affects of anesthesia where the patient is confused and shaking and pulling the covers up over themselves with only their eyes peeking out.

I witnessed my sister disobey the surgeon who wanted my mother to have "time" to work her way past the affects of the anesthesia and he told my sister NOT to have my mother evaluated by a psychiatrist/psychologist because they would prescribe medication and misdiagnose my mother. So, she did not listen and I watched my mother put on an antidepressant that was pushed on me and made me very stomach sick. I watched as my mother complained of feeling sick to her stomach and my sister insisting she eat and being impatient with her. When I questioned this the response was to prevent me from talking to the doctors and knowing what medications my mother was put on. I knew the surgeon was right because I knew first hand how it takes time to get one's bearings back after being in surgery and recovering from the affects of the anesthesia.

The problem I had was how all this began taking place not long after I had suffered so much sudden loss myself and experienced a post traumatic breakdown and how I ended up in a psych ward that only traumatized me even more along with being pushed into taking drugs and that I left that place even more exhausted than when I went in and my sister's way of stepping in and taking over when I experienced that was VERY WRONG. All the things she said to me were WRONG and things you NEVER say to someone who suffered a major trauma and is in the throws of a post traumatic breakdown. Witnessing what my mother went through and how my sister was responding to her in all the wrong ways, traumatized me even more. Then I began to experience flashbacks from my past and I got so confused and frightened.

Truth is I kept being retraumatized over and over again since I suffered that major trauma. I could not get the right help either, and instead the therapists I had reached out to for help misdiagnosed me and invalidated me despite how everything I had told them was the truth and that everything I uttered was clear red flags that meant "trauma patient". I actually have the records to prove this too. I had also been dealing with a lawyer that was handling my lawsuit who was literally declining into dementia. The lawyer I had before him, a woman, was overwhelmed with too many cases and she literally had a melt down right in front of me directing all her anger at me. She ended up having a meltdown and left the firm she was working with after she had that melt down in front of me that actually traumatized me.

When the psychiatrist I had been seeing saw that I could no longer afford to see him, and he referred me to my GP whom he felt could continue prescribing me the Klonopin I was taking, I ended up sitting across from my GP only to once again witness yet another person have a meltdown and direct all their anger at me. He literally threw a fit and threw my records on my lap and he called out all these things that were written in these records stating how "crazy" these records said I was and how angry he was that a psychiatrist would think he could take over prescribing medication to such a crazy individual.

I was so traumatized "yet again" by yet another person that I just wanted to get out of that examining room as fast as possible, away from this very angry doctor that had been my GP for several years.

I got so challenged that I needed to find a trauma therapist to help me. I looked online and made a lot of calls hoping to find a therapist I could afford that could help me. That is when I found a therapist I thought was nice, someone I could "trust" and this therapist traumatized me even more by telling me he was a recovering heroine addict, had been diagnosed as NPD and had been a habitual liar, yet he supposedly got educated and was now able to be a therapist?

By this point my experience with so called "professionals" that were supposed to help me had traumatized me SO MUCH that I was completely and utterly LOST.

When I was in that psch ward I was traumatized by the different challenges I witnessed taking place in the other patients. Yet, in all honesty, it was not all that different in what I faced on the outside "after" I left that environment where I experienced people who are supposed to be "normal" literally have melt downs in front of me and direct all their anger at me. I honestly wish there was a way I could play a video of all the situations I had experienced this behavior where another person's anger was directed at me in such an unhealthy way, especially when I had reached out for "help" and did not deserve to have to face the other person literally blow up at me and direct all their own personal anger towards me.

A lot of the flashbacks I have had are of individuals who have raged at me or dumped their own problems out at me when I really never deserved it. Even when I was literally dying and had to call an ambulance the EMT yelled at me when I moaned because the pain I was suffering from was so "extreme". I was not screaming either, I was moaning because my body cavity was literally full of toxins and I was dying.

The one thing I have learned in my life is how if I need help and something really is happening to me that is BAD, that if I try to get help I end up being treated VERY BADLY and ended up being badly emotionally abused. The one thing I have most definitely learned over and over again is how much my needs, that were genuine was met with others being so mean to me and letting me know how my need was a huge imposition on them. I even suffered for much longer than I should have with endometriosis and when I went to see a Gyno who was a woman she was mean to me and handed me the wrong diagnosis and insisted that I just had to learn how to "deal with it". I suffered every month and the condition continued to get worse and worse and I suffered horrible attacks every month until I suffered an attack that would not subside and "finally" got to have surgery where all the endometriosis could be seen on the camera that was attached to an endoscope. I go in for what is considered a simple procedure to have a colonoscopy and end up suffering with horrible pain because during the procedure they hit my spleen and caused damage and I was bleeding internally. I was treated HORRIBLY for having that happen to me. My husband was so mean to me when I asked him to drive me to the emergency room because of the pain I was suffering and being dizzy. When I got in the emergency room and got through the doors I collapsed and my husband stood over me and yelled at me to "get the hell up". He totally embarrassed me and everyone stared at me, YET I WAS BLEEDING INTERNALLY and in danger of dying.

Experiencing a post traumatic breakdown was no different, I was treated badly for experiencing something that was once again NOT MY FAULT. I honestly could not bring myself to tell anyone to "go see a therapist" either because when I did that I was misdiagnosed and treated badly for genuinely struggling and NEEDING HELP. I most definitely have the records to prove it.

Truth is that I am really good at helping other people but when I need help I end up being TRAUMATIZED and treated badly and I tend to get blamed for things that are NOT MY FAULT and are things that are the mistakes of OTHER PEOPLE.

All the loss I suffered that was literally an accumulation of YEARS of hard work was destroyed because of the negligence of someone else. Even when I made an effort to fight back I faced being blamed for the mistakes two lawyers made because of THEIR issues and not mine and the opposing attorney treated me HORRIBLY and she stomped past me when I was in the lobby of the court house that she was so imposition NOT BY ME, but by the lawyer that was mentally declining and failed to do his job in my case. The neighbor that was negligent blamed me and was HORRIBLE towards me.

I was left with so many damaged ponies and horses that I had to rehabilitate and hand walk that I ended up suffering a horrible case of planter's facietus in booth my feet. I had no health insurance and no money and my mother gave me money so I could get injections in both my feet and have special orthotics made so I could walk. I had NO MONEY or insurance when I suffering so badly with PTSD and needed help and my father gave me some money so I could at least pay out of pocket to get therapy. My older sister CONSTANTLY yells at me for ANY money my parents gave me which was to help me get back on my feet after suffering a MAJOR health set back. Because she has been able to look at their finances she decided SHE could make judgments about whatever my parents did to help me like SHE has the right to stand in judgment when it never was ANY OF HER BUSINESS. One of the things she tends to bring up is when my parents gave me money so I could see a therapist because I was so bad that I was dangerously suicidal. When I suffered with strong suicidal impulses, the one consistent feeling I had was how much my problems were nothing but a burden on everyone around me. The truth is that I had been told that over and over again so many times when I reached out for help because I really did have a big problem.

My sister ragged at me and blamed me in front of all the people in a waiting room when my mother happened to suffer a stroke in front of me and she marched into that waiting room and ragged at me and blamed ME for being the one who caused my mother to suffer a stroke. It was very much like how my husband stood over me and yelled at me to "get the hell up" when I collapsed just after getting through the doors of the ER waiting room because I was bleeding internally and was weak and dizzy.

I now have a horrible time when it comes to going to ANY kind of doctors office or being in ANY Emergency room or hospital. I have not seen a gynecologist in several years now and I struggle if I have to see a doctor, and just being in an examining room causes me to end up suffering flashbacks and having an extreme urge to RUN.

I was very fortunate to find a therapist that understood "trauma" and was amazingly patient with me and that when I was having a day where I was experiencing a bad PTSD cycle and could not drive, I got to still have a session over the phone.

My posts tend to be long, but the truth is I happen to have a long history of being traumatized over and over again. Even when I have reached out for HELP. When I share anything about myself, that I have deep challenges, I have a problem where I anticipate being criticized or being treated badly. I have been strong for others, yet I do have a problem when it comes to advocating for myself or asking for help and support for myself.

I feel very sorry for anyone who struggles this way when it comes to feeling "safe" to talk about "self" and "needing" help. How one can be encouraged to believe that asking for help ends up turning into possibly suffering yet another abuse.

The now dysfunction I am experiencing has been so sad to me. I don't know where my mother is, and I feel terrible that I cannot face the abuse my sister hands out in order to learn where my mother is. I feel so bad that I can't seem to find my way to being with my mother. Hearing my father get yelled at by my sister when I talked to him on the phone to wish him a Merry Christmas where he tried to tell me the truth about my mother was SO TRIGGERING. My sister's tone is ANGRY, and RESENTFUL, to where just trying to at least try to call and talk to my parents ends up triggering me badly.

It's gotten overwhelmingly dysfunctional and very SAD. I don't know where to ask for help either. I get so crippled and I don't know if I am going to actually get to see my parents again "alive" and I just feel SICK about it. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to stand up to how badly my sister is with me and how toxic she can be towards me. I just feel horrible that being near her, leads me to suffer a horrible attack even when I don't want to experience these attacks. People say "don't give her the power", but I can't seem to get others to understand how I am not CONSCIOUSLY choosing to struggle the way I do when exposed to her. The last attack I experienced was absolutely horrible and it literally came out of no where. It really scares me that I can end up experiencing being completely debilitated this way and it's not anything I consciously decide to experience.