Hi everybody,

I've been away for a while now. I have been doing pretty good, but every year February is hard. It's the anniversary of an OD that should have taken my life. I got off all meds and was doing well for the past five years.

Last year I tried to quit smoking through a hypnotherapist. I didn't realize that I had started smoking after the OD. By day 2 I was back in the depths. I started smoking again and it went away. I decided to try to quit smoking a second time thinking I knew what to expect, but same results.

Now, I'm still smoking but the depression is here anyway. I want to quit so bad but I can't. The depression is next level scary right now. I haven't had it this bad for five years. I started taking meds again because i know the thinking I have when depressed isn't me or what I really want.

I feel like a failure on so many levels. The past five years I've viewed it as a bird that flies overhead and poops on me. I just have to wait it out and it will fly away. The main thought that keeps going through my head lately is that the depression always comes back. I'm so tired. More than tired, I'm scared.

shady