So I feel I am in a dark place. Darker than usual. The loneliness is indescribable. And not for lack of trying. I have anxiety so I try to first talk to people online and then meet later, if there is something. And one person who also had bipolar, just up and ghosted me right before we were going to hangout. Another, who I thought we connected on a friends level, did the same. I dont understand. What is so wrong with me that people don't want to be friends with me? My whole life I have struggled to maintain friendships. I have no support system anymore since the one friend I did have of 13 years, left due to an ultimatum given by his fiance. I get it, a wife or a best friend... that was in April. And not only is the loneliness indescribable but the self hatred. How can you not take lack of friendships anything but personal. I have been told my whole life all the things wrong with me and maybe people can spot it a mile away. They think, nope...not her. Too much baggage.

The holidays were harder than usual. I ruined thanksgiving by going on a bender and gambling away 700 dollars. I worked Christmas and new years so I wouldn't have been sitting alone at home. Besides work, I have no social interaction. I have my dog, but it isnt the same. And granted, he is MY best friend, and I know if I didn't have him I would be dead by now, I feel like something needs to change or I am afraid of how much darker it can get. I was stopped by a passing a train yesterday and thoughts crept into my head that I haven't thought in years.

Therapy doesn't work for me, it doesn't change the fact that I do not have anything. And what is the point anymore. I don't go out. I don't see anyone. I dont have a SO or kids. Who cares what happens to me. No one asks how I am. I bet if I died, no one would even find me for weeks. What a horrible thought! I can not do another 30 years of this. I keep saying these feelings will pass, things will change but they haven't. And if by now nothing has gave, why should I hold on to anymore hope.

Does anyone else feel so lonely? Am I the only one?