Thanks, everyone.

It's really interesting to see what things you all have noticed, that helped you realize that therapy was helping.

I think, to those of you who talked about goals, that you're right. I struggle a lot with goals... I'm not very "goal-driven" and I think that being depressed makes that harder (i.e. I tend to feel like, "what's the point, nothing matters").

I'm finding it harder as I get older... because I feel like I've tried a lot of things, and nothing has really helped or worked out. For example, T talked about me looking for a new job, and I think, "Yeah, I know. But I've worked at a lot of different companies - in a couple different professions - and it's always the same. It's ALWAYS the same, this isn't an exaggeration. So why exert the energy, when I'm already exhausted, trying to find a new job, interview, actually start a new job... when I have no reason to really believe it's going to be any better than where I'm at now?"

There's got to be some truth in there, right? It's not like I'm at my first job, or first T, and just managed to step into a bad fit.

And, yes, I asked about this (success with therapy) because I don't know that therapy is doing anything for me. I've seen LOTS of therapists previously and spent a LOT of time in therapy (last therapist was probably a good year, but the one before was about 3 years). And it just... doesn't seem to actually help with anything. This latest therapist is a lovely person, she seems competent, she has experience with the stuff that I need. I have no actual complaints - nothing we need to fix. Except, something isn't connecting for me I don't not like her, but I don't really feel a connection either.

It's just so hard.

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ArtieSwimsOn - thanks for sharing that. It sounds like your family actually noticed the change in you before you did? Neat that it was something visible. And, I'm really happy to hear about all the positives that came after, awesome!

BesideMySelvez - That's an interesting take on it though... I *do* have trouble with "trusting the process". It's not that I don't want to trust it, it's that... it seems like there should be something, somewhere along the way, to validate that you're making some kind of progress (I think?). At least, I'd find it helpful... it's nice that you can look back and see progress though! That has to be helpful, right?!

StopDog - It seems like you were very clear from the beginning what you wanted to get from therapy (i.e. what you wanted the therapist to do, and not do). I wish I had that kind of clarity, because it seems easier, in a way, to evaluate whether they're doing what you want/need?

Mouse_62 - The internal changes are sort of what I want, I think! But, it's really hard to see (from where I'm at now) whether this T will be helpful in creating them. (Or, if not this T, which T? I don't know how to tell... so it feels like a very random process of trying Ts, sometimes for years, before deciding that they're not helping.)

RiseNRoll - Oh! I really liked your response! Even though I'm not sure how to use it for myself. My last T, I felt very connected to, and felt like he projected *stability* (which I wanted/needed). But, he kind of let me down (didn't understand a lot of what I said - eventually I had to give up). This new T, I don't get that feeling from. But, it's so weird/hard/confusing because I don't dislike her or have any real complaints... in the past, with Ts, I had specific issues with them. This one is great, no issues. But, for some reason, I'm not feeling a lot of connection either and it kind of feels awful. I don't think it's her fault, per se, but I don't know how to wrap my head around it. Like... to the point that I was upset this weekend, and wanted to call old T... or go sit in his parking lot (after hours, he wouldn't be there). Which I didn't do... but that's weird, right?

Maybeblue - I don't disagree that the client has to do the work, it's not like the therapist is shaping us out of clay or anything. But, still... I think a lot of us don't make the changes on our own. The therapist is doing *something* (or why go back?) - right? Whether it's helping us identify we can and want to change, helping us understand how to change, or something else... I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out what things people see as positive changes that let them know that therapy is working, and make it worth continuing. (Your examples were great, thanks!)

ChickenNoodleSoup - That makes sense, and great examples, thank you! It's interesting, because I've seen similar changes in myself - but they don't seem related to therapy. They seem to come more from my interactions with a few people who have really been there for me (but they're not therapists). I don't think I've actually experienced therapists as being that good at really *being there* for me, if that makes sense.

Argonautmobile - Fair enough, and if I could get to that point (feeling like my life was moving towards "worth living") I'd be really happy with that!

Here Today - Thanks for the reply. No, we haven't discussed it that in-depth. I think... it's hard. I don't really know what I want, and that's part of the problem. I'm very undefined (and not very goal-driven). I think I'm a little burned out on therapy goals... last T asked me for goals, and I put a lot of effort into thinking about them and communicating them. He wrote them down, put them in a notebook of stuff for my sessions... and then seemingly lost them. I wish I were joking! He asked me, several months later, about my goals... and I told him that I didn't remember, he had them written down, pull out the paper... but when he went to look for it, it was't there. (He says it's not lost, it's just in another notebook... but the fact is, when we needed to refer to it, it was not there!). Ugh... really didn't help.

Your stuff seems hard too. I mean, an intense fear of rejection seems like exactly the type of thing that a good T should have been able to help with, so the fact that your T screwed it up so badly, is hard to wrap my head around. Not confidence-inspiring, is it?

Healingprogress - ooh, that's a good one (identifying and expressing emotions). My T thinks I need to work on that one too.

MrsDuckL - oh wow, that sounds wonderful! I'm glad that you're feeling better, and that your T experience is helping!

TooManyCats - That's neat that you carry your T's words, voice, and advice with you. I think... I maybe did that with old T. But new T, so far, doesn't really stick with me.

SarahSweden - I can relate. I'm fairly isolated, so just having a human to talk to each week is probably good for me too, on some level. But, it's disappointing that it doesn't feel more "therapeutic"! Do you feel like a different type of therapy might be more helpful? It's something I'm thinking about... all the therapists that I've seen have been very similar in their approach, I'm wondering if I need to find somebody who does things differently.

Alpacalicious - Good points, thanks. I struggle with goals, so I'm not sure if that would help. I wish that I could see things changing in my life, for the better. That's great that you were able to see those changes (with one of the therapists, anyway!)

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the thoughts. I'm going to have to think a bit more on this. I don't know if my lack of feelings about the current therapists are actually about her/the relationship, or if I've just shut down a bit since the last one (I left, he didn't abandon me, but it made me cry a bit and still feels - sad.)