I wanted to update this (I sometimes read old threads, and I do like when it have an "ending", so I will update it later on as well, and let it die out when it is concluded)

I got an appointment, in March. Yeah, things take time until you get appointments when not going private.
I also got some forms to fill out to take with me.
Mini screening
Beck anxiety inventory
Beck depression inventory
Circumflex of interpersonal problems
And also one to map the problems/needs regarding family/work.

I did read through them, and answered them in my thoughts, and I also read about them afterwards. I do know what the result will be if I am honest, there is no doubt about that.

Thing is, this both feels relieving, and also a bit upsetting. Even if I answer when I control symptoms, it`s pretty clear. If I am honest, there is no doubt at all. It`s not like it`s in the grey area.

Besides, all this- not being in denial, and actually considering that I might actually be bipolar for real, not just something they think makes me uncomfortable. I remember how puberty was, and from then on, everything seems to fall into place. There are things that makes me uncomfortable seeing in this new light. So obvious, and also scaring and sad to take in.
Some things are like nightmares, I remember things I don`t want to remember.

My mind is a mess at the time being, I somehow hoped this would make me better. I always think a lot, and this has added a new filter to old things, making my mind race even more. I get this feeling again: you can make it go away if you hide it deep inside again.
I know I can`t, after the hospital episode it has been lurking inside, but not deep enough. What I used to control, seems to be stronger now.

Well, I am doing pretty okay, don`t get me wrong. I just feel like a ticking bomb, inside, not outside.